Bob Moore
November 15th 04, 11:33 PM
Not too far from layovers of which I have first hand knowlege.
:-)
Bob Moore
PanAm (retired)
The following letter is from the Qantas Flight Operations Newsletter.
The letter is from a Captain answering his Chief Pilot's "request for
further information".
Sir,
In your icy, indeed hostile, telephone call of yesterday, you requested a
report about the alleged proceedings involving my crew at the Qantas 75th
Birthday celebration at the slip port. As the reports from the local
authorities and the head of the Australian legation were undoubtedly a
complete fabrication, I take the opportunity to put the truth of the
matter on file.
Qantas management's kind offer to "buy a round of drinks" was taken on
board by the crew who decided to upgrade the event to its correct status,
so appropriate quantities of libation and food were purchased, with
festivities being held in my hotel suite. An enjoyable evening ensued
but insufficient supplies had been obtained, so several members of the
crew left for further purchases at a local bar. In a truly magnanimous
gesture, ten bar girls from that establishment helped carry the beer back
to the hotel. To demonstrate our appreciation of their assistance we
served them some cool drink. They then offered to show us some local
culture, and in order not to offend, we allowed them to dance some exotic
dances.
The banging on the walls of my room had by now quite honestly become
invasive and it was disturbing the dancers, so we arranged an amusing
little deterrent. S/O Brown's impersonation of the Police Officer was
excellent. In full Qantas uniform, with an aluminium rubbish bin upside
down on his head, he goose-stepped to each room and harangued the
occupants with a very witty diatribe about disturbing hotel guests. I
personally heard nothing of his alleged threats of life in Alcatraz or
the Gulags, claimed by the sister of the Minister of Police whose room
was, unluckily, next door. I have no doubt that this woman was the sneak
who called security and hotel management and I absolutely refute the
shout "Look out, here come the Indians! Circle the wagons" was made. The
simple coincidence of security arriving just as we stood the double bed
on its side across the door to make the dance floor bigger is obvious.
The major damage to the room occurred when a group of gate crashers, whom
we could not know were hotel security, forced their way in just as most
of us happened to be leaning against the bed watching the dancing. The
subsequent events in the foyer of the hotel are an equally vicious
distortion of the facts. I was explaining the importance of the 75th
Birthday to the General Manager of the hotel and noting that other guests
were fabricating stories of noise, drinking and singing at the
celebration, when F/O Smith (ex-SAS) and several other keep-fit
enthusiasts, in keeping with their almost monastic pursuit of health,
organized the race up the drapes which hang along the foyer wall. It
says nothing for the workmanship of some of these nations that the
fittings were torn from the wall before most of the crew were even
halfway up. At this stage, in an amazing display of international
posturing, the Governor of the city, who was attending the National Day
cocktail party in the foyer, cast some denigrating remarks about
Australian culture. Although he misunderstood our gestures of greeting,
female flight attendant Williams rescued the situation with her depth of
knowledge of local culture. Her rendition of the Fertility Dancing
Maiden in the foyer's "Pool of Remembrance" was nothing short of
breathtaking. Normally this dance is performed wearing a sarong so FFA
Williams' extra step to nature was a bold step forward. Unfortunately,
during one intricate step, FFA Williams slipped and fell beneath the
fountain, so we were lucky that S/O Brown, who had the great presence of
mind to strip to avoid getting his uniform wet, leapt in to help. That
the tiles of the pool were slippery is beyond dispute, as it took nearly
ten minutes of thrashing about before S/O Brown could actually complete
his rescue. Such concern was there for these two exemplary crew member's
safety that the rest of the crew were forced to assist, and I deny that
this massed altruistic rescue attempt could be construed as a 'Water
Polo' game.
This slanderous accusation was first put to me by the Chief of the Riot
Squad, whose storm troopers had apparently been called by some over-
zealous Fascists at the cocktail party. Order had nearly been restored
when the fire started. I prefer F/O Smith's version of events that the
drapes had caught fire from being against a light fitting, and that he
dropped his cigarette lighter whilst trying to escape the flames. Had
host management fulfilled their responsibilities and used fire retardant
material instead of velvet, the fire would not have spread to the rest of
the hotel.
The responsible attitude shown by my crew in assisting the bar staff to
carry out drinks from the cocktail party is to be commended, not
condemned, and the attempt by male members of the crew to extinguish
pockets of fire using natural means has been totally misrepresented in
some quarters. I cannot overstate how strongly I resent the assertions
made in the Chief Fire Officer's Report. I made an official protest
about these matters when the head of the Australian legation visited us
at the Police Station the next morning. However, not only did Ambassador
Jones not attempt to refute the preposterous allegations made against me
and my crew, but also by failing to secure our release immediately,
caused the subsequent aircraft delay. I did not know Her Majesty was to
be aboard our aircraft, but I am sure that her
12-hour visit to that country was appreciated by local dignitaries and
probably HRH herself (I must mention that the local manager is far too
obsequious - smarmy, smarmy. You should have seen him bowing and
scraping. Never make a Prime Minister, that chap). Finally, I note that
not since "Rainman" has Qantas been mentioned in so many newspapers (Some
people in Qantas would die for coverage like that). The main newspaper
at the slip port coincidentally mentioned Qantas 75 times on its front
page alone, although some of the coupled epithets can only be described
as the worst journalistic excesses of the gutter press. I trust that now
I have outlined the correct version of events, we may allow ourselves a
discreet smile as to the lack of social sophistication of some of these
developing nations and put all this behind us. As far as I am concerned
our crew carried on the finest Qantas traditions.
Regards, Captain ........
P.S. I checked amongst the language qualified members of the crew but no
one was up to speed on Latin. Can you recommend anyone in the
International Department who could translate "Persona Non Grata"?
:-)
Bob Moore
PanAm (retired)
The following letter is from the Qantas Flight Operations Newsletter.
The letter is from a Captain answering his Chief Pilot's "request for
further information".
Sir,
In your icy, indeed hostile, telephone call of yesterday, you requested a
report about the alleged proceedings involving my crew at the Qantas 75th
Birthday celebration at the slip port. As the reports from the local
authorities and the head of the Australian legation were undoubtedly a
complete fabrication, I take the opportunity to put the truth of the
matter on file.
Qantas management's kind offer to "buy a round of drinks" was taken on
board by the crew who decided to upgrade the event to its correct status,
so appropriate quantities of libation and food were purchased, with
festivities being held in my hotel suite. An enjoyable evening ensued
but insufficient supplies had been obtained, so several members of the
crew left for further purchases at a local bar. In a truly magnanimous
gesture, ten bar girls from that establishment helped carry the beer back
to the hotel. To demonstrate our appreciation of their assistance we
served them some cool drink. They then offered to show us some local
culture, and in order not to offend, we allowed them to dance some exotic
dances.
The banging on the walls of my room had by now quite honestly become
invasive and it was disturbing the dancers, so we arranged an amusing
little deterrent. S/O Brown's impersonation of the Police Officer was
excellent. In full Qantas uniform, with an aluminium rubbish bin upside
down on his head, he goose-stepped to each room and harangued the
occupants with a very witty diatribe about disturbing hotel guests. I
personally heard nothing of his alleged threats of life in Alcatraz or
the Gulags, claimed by the sister of the Minister of Police whose room
was, unluckily, next door. I have no doubt that this woman was the sneak
who called security and hotel management and I absolutely refute the
shout "Look out, here come the Indians! Circle the wagons" was made. The
simple coincidence of security arriving just as we stood the double bed
on its side across the door to make the dance floor bigger is obvious.
The major damage to the room occurred when a group of gate crashers, whom
we could not know were hotel security, forced their way in just as most
of us happened to be leaning against the bed watching the dancing. The
subsequent events in the foyer of the hotel are an equally vicious
distortion of the facts. I was explaining the importance of the 75th
Birthday to the General Manager of the hotel and noting that other guests
were fabricating stories of noise, drinking and singing at the
celebration, when F/O Smith (ex-SAS) and several other keep-fit
enthusiasts, in keeping with their almost monastic pursuit of health,
organized the race up the drapes which hang along the foyer wall. It
says nothing for the workmanship of some of these nations that the
fittings were torn from the wall before most of the crew were even
halfway up. At this stage, in an amazing display of international
posturing, the Governor of the city, who was attending the National Day
cocktail party in the foyer, cast some denigrating remarks about
Australian culture. Although he misunderstood our gestures of greeting,
female flight attendant Williams rescued the situation with her depth of
knowledge of local culture. Her rendition of the Fertility Dancing
Maiden in the foyer's "Pool of Remembrance" was nothing short of
breathtaking. Normally this dance is performed wearing a sarong so FFA
Williams' extra step to nature was a bold step forward. Unfortunately,
during one intricate step, FFA Williams slipped and fell beneath the
fountain, so we were lucky that S/O Brown, who had the great presence of
mind to strip to avoid getting his uniform wet, leapt in to help. That
the tiles of the pool were slippery is beyond dispute, as it took nearly
ten minutes of thrashing about before S/O Brown could actually complete
his rescue. Such concern was there for these two exemplary crew member's
safety that the rest of the crew were forced to assist, and I deny that
this massed altruistic rescue attempt could be construed as a 'Water
Polo' game.
This slanderous accusation was first put to me by the Chief of the Riot
Squad, whose storm troopers had apparently been called by some over-
zealous Fascists at the cocktail party. Order had nearly been restored
when the fire started. I prefer F/O Smith's version of events that the
drapes had caught fire from being against a light fitting, and that he
dropped his cigarette lighter whilst trying to escape the flames. Had
host management fulfilled their responsibilities and used fire retardant
material instead of velvet, the fire would not have spread to the rest of
the hotel.
The responsible attitude shown by my crew in assisting the bar staff to
carry out drinks from the cocktail party is to be commended, not
condemned, and the attempt by male members of the crew to extinguish
pockets of fire using natural means has been totally misrepresented in
some quarters. I cannot overstate how strongly I resent the assertions
made in the Chief Fire Officer's Report. I made an official protest
about these matters when the head of the Australian legation visited us
at the Police Station the next morning. However, not only did Ambassador
Jones not attempt to refute the preposterous allegations made against me
and my crew, but also by failing to secure our release immediately,
caused the subsequent aircraft delay. I did not know Her Majesty was to
be aboard our aircraft, but I am sure that her
12-hour visit to that country was appreciated by local dignitaries and
probably HRH herself (I must mention that the local manager is far too
obsequious - smarmy, smarmy. You should have seen him bowing and
scraping. Never make a Prime Minister, that chap). Finally, I note that
not since "Rainman" has Qantas been mentioned in so many newspapers (Some
people in Qantas would die for coverage like that). The main newspaper
at the slip port coincidentally mentioned Qantas 75 times on its front
page alone, although some of the coupled epithets can only be described
as the worst journalistic excesses of the gutter press. I trust that now
I have outlined the correct version of events, we may allow ourselves a
discreet smile as to the lack of social sophistication of some of these
developing nations and put all this behind us. As far as I am concerned
our crew carried on the finest Qantas traditions.
Regards, Captain ........
P.S. I checked amongst the language qualified members of the crew but no
one was up to speed on Latin. Can you recommend anyone in the
International Department who could translate "Persona Non Grata"?