Pilots vs mechanics...enjoy

[[email protected]]

>> Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one:
>> After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet, which tells mechanics about
>> problems with the aircraft.
>>
>> The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
>> review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
>>
>> Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance
>> complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with
>> an S) by maintenance engineers.
>>
>> By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident....
>>
>> P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
>> S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
>>
>> P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
>> S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
>>
>> P: Something loose in cockpit
>> S: Something tightened in cockpit
>>
>> P: Dead bugs on windshield.
>> S: Live bugs on back-order.
>>
>> P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
>> S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
>>
>> P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
>> S: Evidence removed.
>>
>> P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
>> S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>>
>> P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
>> S: That's what friction locks are for.
>>
>> P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
>> S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
>>
>> P: Suspected crack in windshield.
>> S: Suspect you're right.
>>
>> P: Number 3 engine missing.
>> S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
>>
>> P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
>> S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
>>
>> P: Target radar hums.
>> S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
>>
>> P: Mouse in cockpit.
>> S: Cat installed.
>>
>> And the best one for last
>>
>> P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
>> S: Took hammer away from the midget.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Be realistic. Expect a Miracle.

[[email protected]]

On Thursday, November 27, 2014 1:58:09 PM UTC-5, wrote:
> >> Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one:
> >> After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet, which tells mechanics about
> >> problems with the aircraft.
> >>
> >> The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
> >> review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
> >>
> >> Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance
> >> complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with
> >> an S) by maintenance engineers.
> >>
> >> By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident....
> >>
> >> P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
> >> S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
> >>
> >> P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
> >> S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
> >>
> >> P: Something loose in cockpit
> >> S: Something tightened in cockpit
> >>
> >> P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> >> S: Live bugs on back-order.
> >>
> >> P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
> >> S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
> >>
> >> P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
> >> S: Evidence removed.
> >>
> >> P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> >> S: DME volume set to more believable level.
> >>
> >> P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> >> S: That's what friction locks are for.
> >>
> >> P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
> >> S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
> >>
> >> P: Suspected crack in windshield.
> >> S: Suspect you're right.
> >>
> >> P: Number 3 engine missing.
> >> S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
> >>
> >> P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
> >> S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
> >>
> >> P: Target radar hums.
> >> S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
> >>
> >> P: Mouse in cockpit.
> >> S: Cat installed.
> >>
> >> And the best one for last
> >>
> >> P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
> >> S: Took hammer away from the midget.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> Be realistic. Expect a Miracle.

Without aircraft maintenance, pilots would just be pedestrians with a big watch, cool sunglasses and a leather jacket

[Dan Marotta]

Since when did UPS install targeting radar? Do they intercept and shoot
down FedEx planes?

BTW, this used to be attributed to USAF squawk sheets...

On 11/27/2014 11:55 AM, wrote:
>
>>> Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one:
>>> After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet, which tells mechanics about
>>> problems with the aircraft.
>>>
>>> The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
>>> review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
>>>
>>> Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance
>>> complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with
>>> an S) by maintenance engineers.
>>>
>>> By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident....
>>>
>>> P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
>>> S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
>>>
>>> P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
>>> S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
>>>
>>> P: Something loose in cockpit
>>> S: Something tightened in cockpit
>>>
>>> P: Dead bugs on windshield.
>>> S: Live bugs on back-order.
>>>
>>> P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
>>> S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
>>>
>>> P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
>>> S: Evidence removed.
>>>
>>> P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
>>> S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>>>
>>> P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
>>> S: That's what friction locks are for.
>>>
>>> P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
>>> S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
>>>
>>> P: Suspected crack in windshield.
>>> S: Suspect you're right.
>>>
>>> P: Number 3 engine missing.
>>> S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
>>>
>>> P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
>>> S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
>>>
>>> P: Target radar hums.
>>> S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
>>>
>>> P: Mouse in cockpit.
>>> S: Cat installed.
>>>
>>> And the best one for last
>>>
>>> P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
>>> S: Took hammer away from the midget.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Be realistic. Expect a Miracle.

--
---
Dan Marotta

[Darryl Ramm]

> By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident....

Well that's a load of porky pies isn't it.

[Chris Rollings[_2_]]

All very witty and amusing, but I've seen them all before over several
decades, attributed to other sources. UPS mechanics didn't invent them

At 00:54 28 November 2014, Dan Marotta wrote:
>Since when did UPS install targeting radar? Do they intercept and shoot
>down FedEx planes?
>
>BTW, this used to be attributed to USAF squawk sheets...
>
>On 11/27/2014 11:55 AM, wrote:
>>
>>>> Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high
>school diploma to fix one:
>>>> After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet,
>which tells mechanics about
>>>> problems with the aircraft.
>>>>
>>>> The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the
form,
>and then pilots
>>>> review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
>>>>
>>>> Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here
are
>some actual maintenance
>>>> complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the
solutions
>recorded (marked with
>>>> an S) by maintenance engineers.
>>>>
>>>> By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had
an
>accident....
>>>>
>>>> P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
>>>> S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
>>>>
>>>> P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
>>>> S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
>>>>
>>>> P: Something loose in cockpit
>>>> S: Something tightened in cockpit
>>>>
>>>> P: Dead bugs on windshield.
>>>> S: Live bugs on back-order.
>>>>
>>>> P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
>descent
>>>> S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
>>>>
>>>> P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
>>>> S: Evidence removed.
>>>>
>>>> P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
>>>> S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>>>>
>>>> P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
>>>> S: That's what friction locks are for.
>>>>
>>>> P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
>>>> S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
>>>>
>>>> P: Suspected crack in windshield.
>>>> S: Suspect you're right.
>>>>
>>>> P: Number 3 engine missing.
>>>> S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
>>>>
>>>> P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
>>>> S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
>>>>
>>>> P: Target radar hums.
>>>> S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
>>>>
>>>> P: Mouse in cockpit.
>>>> S: Cat installed.
>>>>
>>>> And the best one for last
>>>>
>>>> P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
>pounding on something with a hammer.
>>>> S: Took hammer away from the midget.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> Be realistic. Expect a Miracle.
>
>--
>---
>Dan Marotta
>

[Bob Whelan[_3_]]

On 11/27/2014 11:14 PM, Chris Rollings wrote:
> All very witty and amusing, but I've seen them all before over several
> decades, attributed to other sources. UPS mechanics didn't invent them

>>>>> By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had
> an
>> accident....

In the further interest(s) of accuracy: UPS Flight 1354, Aug 2013...

I'll be leaving now, my anal work here is done.

Bob W.

[J. Nieuwenhuize]

How to tell a pilot from a mechanic:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T-Y8exElqeo