Airline Joke

[Jim]

Probably posted here a dozen times but it's a first for me. ;)

--
Jim Fisher

A guy sitting at an airport bar in Los Angeles noticed a beautiful young
woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous
she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta
slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to
himself, "Guess she doesn't work for Delta".

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards
her again, "Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same blank look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched
American Airlines off the list.

Next he tried the United slogan: "I would really love to fly your
friendly skies?"

This time the woman turned on him, "What the f*** do you want?"

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said...
"Ahhh, South African Airways!!!!"

[Marc CYBW]

Air Canada's motto

"We're not happy till you're not happy."



"Jim" > wrote in message
...
> Probably posted here a dozen times but it's a first for me. ;)
>
> --
> Jim Fisher
>
> A guy sitting at an airport bar in Los Angeles noticed a beautiful young
> woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous
> she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"
>
> Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta
> slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?"
>
> She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to
> himself, "Guess she doesn't work for Delta".
>
> A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards
> her again, "Something special in the air?"
>
> She gave him the same blank look. He mentally kicked himself, and
> scratched American Airlines off the list.
>
> Next he tried the United slogan: "I would really love to fly your
> friendly skies?"
>
> This time the woman turned on him, "What the f*** do you want?"
>
> The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said...
> "Ahhh, South African Airways!!!!"
>

[Darkwing]

"Jim" > wrote in message
...
> Probably posted here a dozen times but it's a first for me. ;)
>
> --
> Jim Fisher
>


DELTA

Don't Expect Luggage To Arrive

-----------------------------------------
DW

[Jim Macklin]

Sounds more like Air France



"Jim" > wrote in message
...
| Probably posted here a dozen times but it's a first for
me. ;)
|
| --
| Jim Fisher
|
| A guy sitting at an airport bar in Los Angeles noticed a
beautiful young
| woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow,
she's so gorgeous
| she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she
work for?"
|
| Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered
the Delta
| slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?"
|
| She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately
thought to
| himself, "Guess she doesn't work for Delta".
|
| A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He
leaned towards
| her again, "Something special in the air?"
|
| She gave him the same blank look. He mentally kicked
himself, and scratched
| American Airlines off the list.
|
| Next he tried the United slogan: "I would really love to
fly your
| friendly skies?"
|
| This time the woman turned on him, "What the f*** do you
want?"
|
| The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and
said...
| "Ahhh, South African Airways!!!!"
|
|

[Dan Luke]

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a
large purple parrot in the seat next to him.

The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the
aisle past the man and his psittacine seat mate.

"Hey, bitch," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it
snappy!"

The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up
the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again:

"Goddammit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!"

Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with
the parrot's drink. Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man
decides to get some quick service for himself.

"Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your
sorry ass--I want it right now!"

The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a
moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight
attendants. The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open
the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000
feet.

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know,
for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."

[Joe Johnson]

ROFL!!

[Joe Johnson]

An oldie but goodie--Qantas squawks and mechanics' responses:

SQUAWK: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
RESPONSE: Almost replaced left inside main tire.


SQUAWK: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
RESPONSE: There is no autoland installed on this aircraft.


SQUAWK: Something loose in cockpit.
RESPONSE: Something tightened in cockpit.


SQUAWK: Dead bugs on windshield.
RESPONSE: Live bugs on backorder.


SQUAWK: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
RESPONSE: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


SQUAWK: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
RESPONSE: Evidence removed.


SQUAWK: DME volume unbelievably loud.
RESPONSE: DME volume set to more believable level.


SQUAWK: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
RESPONSE: That's what they're there for!


SQUAWK: IFF inoperative.
RESPONSE: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


SQUAWK: Suspected crack in windscreen.
RESPONSE: Suspect you're right.


SQUAWK: Number 3 engine "missing". (note: this was for a piston-engined
airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
RESPONSE: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


SQUAWK: Aircraft handles funny.
RESPONSE: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.


SQUAWK: Radar hums.
RESPONSE: Reprogrammed radar with words.


SQUAWK: Mouse in cockpit.
RESPONSE: Cat installed.

[WRE]

And my two favorites.....

1. Flight Attendant: Would you like some TWA coffee or TWA tea?

2.Q. Flight Attendant: What would you like to drink sir?
A. Passenger: I'll have a Coke.
Q. Flight Attendant: Would you like in the can?
A. Passenger: No, I'll drink it right here!



"Jim" > wrote in message
...
> Probably posted here a dozen times but it's a first for me. ;)
>
> --
> Jim Fisher
>
> A guy sitting at an airport bar in Los Angeles noticed a beautiful young
> woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous
> she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"
>
> Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta
> slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?"
>
> She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to
> himself, "Guess she doesn't work for Delta".
>
> A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards
> her again, "Something special in the air?"
>
> She gave him the same blank look. He mentally kicked himself, and
> scratched American Airlines off the list.
>
> Next he tried the United slogan: "I would really love to fly your
> friendly skies?"
>
> This time the woman turned on him, "What the f*** do you want?"
>
> The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said...
> "Ahhh, South African Airways!!!!"
>

[GeorgeC]

Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot
pregnant.

GeorgeC

[Gig 601XL Builder]

Great joke. The only problem is the suspension of belief required by this
line.

....two burly male flight attendants...

"Dan Luke" > wrote in message
...
>A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large
>purple parrot in the seat next to him.
>
> The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle
> past the man and his psittacine seat mate.
>
> "Hey, bitch," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it
> snappy!"
>
> The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the
> aisle, and the parrot pipes up again:
>
> "Goddammit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!"
>
> Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with
> the parrot's drink. Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man
> decides to get some quick service for himself.
>
> "Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your
> sorry ass--I want it right now!"
>
> The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a
> moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight
> attendants. The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the
> emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.
>
> As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, for
> someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."
>

[B A R R Y]

Gig 601XL Builder wrote:
> Great joke. The only problem is the suspension of belief required by this
> line.
>
> ...two burly male flight attendants...
>

I've only seen burly female flight attendants. <G>

[Dan Luke]

"Gig 601XL Builder" wrote:

> Great joke. The only problem is the suspension of belief required by
> this line.
>
> ...two burly male flight attendants...

I said they were burly...I didn't say they were straight.

[Matt Whiting]

B A R R Y wrote:

> Gig 601XL Builder wrote:
>
>> Great joke. The only problem is the suspension of belief required by
>> this line.
>>
>> ...two burly male flight attendants...
>>
>
> I've only seen burly female flight attendants. <G>

You need to fly more or fly a classier carrier! :-)

I had a very pretty young French FA land in my lap on a flight Saturday
from Paris to Amsterdam on my return to the states. I've never in 23
years of business flying on the airlines ever hit turbulence like that.
I was just about to take a croissant out of the basket she was holding
when the bottom dropped out. We went slightly negative G for probably a
couple of seconds. She started to float towards the ceiling and I
grabbed her wrist and elbow as she was trying to grab the food cart.
Then the next thing I know we are slammed the other direction and food,
napkins, etc. from the cart are flying around like the cart exploded and
the FA is sitting on my lap. Fortunately, this happened about 30
seconds before I would have had a cup of coffee in my hand! Two of my
colleagues got doused. One had a cup of water and said a column of
water rose out of the cup and went higher than his head before coming
back down all over his lap. Another was sitting by a lady with a cup of
hot chocolate and hers went up in the air the same way and dropped on
his shoulder.

I had to chuckle when a few minutes later the Frenchman sitting beside
me leaned over and said in his best English, "That sure beats a cup of
wine in lap." I had to agree. :-)

I figure we either hit CAT (it was clear sky at 29,000 feet) or crossed
through the wake of a larger airplane. The captain never said anything
other than to apologize, but that was the only significant bump on the
entire flight. I've hit similar turbulence in a 182, but I've never
pulled negative Gs that long before in an airplane that size (it was an
A320 I believe).


Matt

[Morgans]

"Matt Whiting" > wrote

>
> I figure we either hit CAT (it was clear sky at 29,000 feet) or crossed
> through the wake of a larger airplane. The captain never said anything
> other than to apologize, but that was the only significant bump on the
> entire flight. I've hit similar turbulence in a 182, but I've never
> pulled negative Gs that long before in an airplane that size (it was an
> A320 I believe).

I had a similar experience, on a 747, on the way from LAX to Columbus.
Instead, my prize was almost a stack of dirty supper dishes. The stew
caught it, thank God!

I recall that it was somewhere over the Rockies.
--
Jim in NC

[B A R R Y]

Matt Whiting wrote:
> B A R R Y wrote:
>
>> Gig 601XL Builder wrote:
>>
>>> Great joke. The only problem is the suspension of belief required by
>>> this line.
>>>
>>> ...two burly male flight attendants...
>>>
>>
>> I've only seen burly female flight attendants. <G>
>
> You need to fly more or fly a classier carrier! :-)

I've seen plenty of nice looking female FA's. The burly ones always
seem to be women!

[Matt Barrow]

"B A R R Y" > wrote in message
...
> Matt Whiting wrote:
>> B A R R Y wrote:
>>
>>> Gig 601XL Builder wrote:
>>>
>>>> Great joke. The only problem is the suspension of belief required by
>>>> this line.
>>>>
>>>> ...two burly male flight attendants...
>>>>
>>>
>>> I've only seen burly female flight attendants. <G>
>>
>> You need to fly more or fly a classier carrier! :-)
>
> I've seen plenty of nice looking female FA's. The burly ones always seem
> to be women!
>
I remember when "Stews" were all in their 20's and IIRC, had to quit the
cabin duties when they hit 30(??).

Last time I flew, the "FA" was in her 20's....her 120's (I swear).

[Marco Leon]

There are many asian carriers that aren't as "politically correct" as the US
carriers. As part of the interview process for Cathay Pacific for example,
they actually make the applicants hike-up their skirts to view their legs.

Marco

"Matt Barrow" > wrote in message
...
>
> "B A R R Y" > wrote in message
> ...
> > Matt Whiting wrote:
> >> B A R R Y wrote:
> >>
> >>> Gig 601XL Builder wrote:
> >>>
> >>>> Great joke. The only problem is the suspension of belief required by
> >>>> this line.
> >>>>
> >>>> ...two burly male flight attendants...
> >>>>
> >>>
> >>> I've only seen burly female flight attendants. <G>
> >>
> >> You need to fly more or fly a classier carrier! :-)
> >
> > I've seen plenty of nice looking female FA's. The burly ones always
seem
> > to be women!
> >
> I remember when "Stews" were all in their 20's and IIRC, had to quit the
> cabin duties when they hit 30(??).
>
> Last time I flew, the "FA" was in her 20's....her 120's (I swear).
>
>
>
>
>



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[Matt Whiting]

Martin Hotze wrote:

> Matt Whiting > wrote:
>
>
>>I had to chuckle when a few minutes later the Frenchman sitting beside
>>me leaned over and said in his best English, "That sure beats a cup of
>>wine in lap." I had to agree. :-)
>
>
> now ... where are the REAL interesting facts? was she cute? any pix?

Cute ... very. Pics ... didn't have a camera with me.

Matt