Dude, you've got WAY too much spare time! (But still intertaining)

PJ
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"C J Campbell" wrote in message
...
John Kerry has been blaming the Bush administration for the rash of Cirrus
crashes. Kerry says that number of Cirrus accidents has increased
dramatically since Bush took office. He is calling for a special
independent
commission to determine what Bush knew about the dangers of flying Cirrus
aircraft and when he knew it.

The White House responds that the Cirrus was mostly developed during the
Clinton administration. They say that the President introduced several
items
of legislation to make Cirrus aircraft safer and that Kerry voted for
these
proposals, but now Kerry claims that he based his vote on bad information
given to him by the Bush administration. He alleged a Republican
conspiracy
to make him "look bad" by tricking him into voting for things he would not
have supported had he known all the facts. Then he went on to attack Bush
for being stupid and for acting without ascertaining the facts.

Kerry says that if elected he will require all Cirrus aircraft to carry a
placard to avoid slips with flaps extended. He will also conduct an
investigation into the role of Cirrus airplanes in creating chemtrails.
Colin Powell responded that he supported the placard all along, but that
he
has information that chemtrails are actually being caused by Lancairs.

"USA Toaday" ran an editorial suggesting that Cirrus aircraft may actually
be manufactured by Al Qaeda terrorists who are deliberately sabotaging the
aircraft and causing them to crash. A guest editorial written by Chicago
mayor Richard M. Daley agreed and said that the only way to deal with the
problem would be to ground all Piper Cubs immediately. Daley went on to
say
that the poor safety record of Cirrus aircraft proves that his decision to

close Meigs was the right one.

The highly respected Internet trade publication "Aviation News Network"
said
that the crashes were all caused by the wings falling off the airplanes.
Publisher Jim 'Zzzzoom' Campbell, just returned from testing the new and
extremely secret Aurora III in the Martian atmosphere, announced that he
was
suing just about everybody. Well-known "Klyde Morris" cartoonist Wes
Oleszewski said he was attacked and beaten up by FAA goons while
attempting
to photograph Cirrus crash sites. Oleszewski said that the attack was
instigated by AVweb in a blatant effort to suppress dissent.

"Stop the Noise" is suing Cirrus pilots for creating excess noise when
they
crash and for allowing their aircraft to crash in inhabited areas.

The United Association of Usenet Anarchists and Nazis Who Cannot Spel has
worked to come up with there own plans for preventing Sirius pilots from
loosing control of there aircraft. Plans include storing the the airplanes
in hangers. "If you can't afford to pout you're plane in a hanger," said
"Badwater Bill," "then you deserve to loose it. Knot only that, you should
be left out in the dessert somewhere. I hate people, anyway. I need a
drink."

One safety plan developed by an independent consultant known only as
"Michael" would require all pilots to log 1,000 hours solo pilot in
command
time in Cirrus aircraft performing loops, spins and rolls before being
allowed to touch the controls. This plan competes with the proposal of
"Ron
Lee" that unsafe or inexperienced pilots should be forced to kill
themselves
in other brands of aircraft before they are allowed to fly in a Cirrus.

"Larry Dighera" said that the fatality rate was not a problem anyway,
since
most Cirrus purchasers are rich and that therefore they are probably
Republicans. "Who cares what happens to them?" asked "Dighera." Respected
aeronautical engineer "Tarver" said that the problem lay in the Cirrus'
interface with the digital muffler bearings, which he said did not meet
the
specifications of FAA TSO-C70a. "Tarver" declared that the problem was so
bad that he expected that the Cirrus would never receive a type
certificate.
"Tom Sixkiller" said that the problem was caused by the Klapmeiers'
religious beliefs. "Steven P. McNicoll" declared that the crashes were
caused by high taxes.

A third proposal developed by a consortium of world famous flight
instructors headed by "CJ Campbell" was immediately dismissed as being
based
on a pack of lies. Although no one can now find a copy of the proposal,
rumor has it that the world famous flight instructors wanted Cirrus to
give
a brand new Cirrus SR22 airplane to every flight instructor.

The owner of the Alexis Park Inn posted ads requesting Cirrus parts that
he
can hang on the walls of his new 'Cirrus Suite.' He not only posted those
ads, he cross-posted them, posted them again, and then added them to his
Usenet signature.

The Internet Oracle could not be reached for comment.