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Darrel Toepfer

wrote:
Hmmph... When viewed from the cold scientific perspective, the magic
somehow disappears... I like Cheech & Chong's version better : )

Cheech and Chong - Santa Claus and His Old Lady

Cheech: (Playing piano) Mamamasita, donde esta Santa Cleese...the
vecto wit da bony knees...he comin' down da street wit no choos on his
feet...and he's going to...No, no, that ain't it...Mamamasita, donde
esta Santa Claus...da guy wit da hair on his jaws...he's...Nah. Hey,
man, come over here, man. I need some help, man.
Chong: Yeah, man, I can dig that. Like, what are ya doin', man?
Cheech: Aw, I'm trying to write a song about Santa Claus, man, but
it's not comin' out...
Chong: About WHO, man?
Cheech: About Santa Claus, man. You know, Santa Claus, man?
Chong: Oh, yeah, man. I played with those dudes, man.
Cheech: WHAT?
Chong: Yeah, last year at the Fillmore, man. Me and the base
player sat in, man.
Cheech: Oh, hey, man, you think Santa Claus is a group, huh? No,
it's not a group, man.
Chong: Wha? They break up, man?
Cheech: No, man. It's one guy, man. Y'know, he had a...a red suit,
man, on with black padded leather choos...you know the guy, man.
Chong: Oh, yeah...he's with Motown, ain't he? Yeah, I played with
that dude, too, man. He's a good singer, man.
Cheech: No, no, hold on, man. He's not with Motown, man.
Chong: Well, then he's with Buddha, man.
Cheech: Aw, man, you don't know who Santa Claus is, man!
Chong: Yeah, well, I'm not from here, man. Like, I'm from
Pittsburgh, man. I don't know to many local dudes.
Cheech: Oh...I see. Well, hey, man, sit back and relax and I'll
tell you da story about Santa Claus, man. Listen... Once upon a time,
about, hmmm, five years ago, there was this groovy dude and has name was
Santa Claus, y'know? And he used to live over in the projects with his
old lady, and they had a pretty good thing together because his old lady
was really fine, and she could cook and all that stuff like that,
y'know. Like, she made da best brownies in town, man!
Chong: Oh, I could remember 'em now, man. I could eat ONE of 'em,
man...
Cheech: Wow, did you know these people, man?
Chong: Oh, yeah, man. They used to live next door to me,
y'know...until they got kicked out, man.
Cheech: Wha? They got kicked out of the projects, man?
Chong: Yeah, you what happened, man? They used ta live with all
these midgets, y'know, and da midgets used ta make a lot noise, y'know,
like pounding and hammering and pounding all night, man...
Cheech: Typical freaks, huh?
Chong: Oh, yeah, man, they were REALLY freaks, man. As a matter of
fact, they all moved up north together, y'know.
Cheech: Oh, they had to go get their head together, man?
Chong: Yeah, get their head together. And they started a commune,
y'know. It was called the...uh...Santa Claus and his Old Lady
Commune...it was a real famous one up there, man. And they used to sit
around and groove all the time, y'know.
Cheech: Oh, yeah?
Chong: Yeah, a really good time there, man.
Cheech: That sounds heavy, man.
Chong: Yeah, they eat da brownies, man, and they drink da tea,
man...and what they did most of da time, though, was make a lotta
goodies, y'know? And they had everything they needed...they only needed
to come into town maybe once year or something like that...
Cheech: To pick up the welfare check and the food stamps, right.
Chong: Yeah, man. No, no, what they did, man, is that, once a year,
when they made all the goodies, y'know, they used ta put 'em in a big
chopping bag and, then, they used ta take da chopping bag and give 'em
to all the boys and girls all da way around da world, man!
Cheech: Hey, well, that's hip, man! That sounds real nice, man.
Chong: Oh, yeah, they were really nice people man. And so much
class, man... they had so much class, y'know. Like, give or take da way
they used ta deliver da toys, y'know. It's, like, Santa Claus used ta
have this really charp chort, man, y'know? It was lower to da ground,
had twice-pipes, candy-apple red and button top. Ooh, clean!
Cheech: Hey, that sounds like a hip snowmobile, man.
Chong: No, no, it wasn't a snowmobile...it was a sled, y'know. One
of those big sleds, y'know? And he used ta have it pulled by some
reindeers, y'know, like, reindeers?
Cheech: Some WHAT, man?
Chong: Some reindeers, y'know. He used ta hook them onto da sled,
and then he used ta stand up inside da sled and hold on to da reins, and
then call out their names, like, On, Donner! On, Blitzen! On, Chewy! On,
Tavo! C'mon, Becto! And then, the reindeers used ta take off into da sky
and fly across da sky, man!
Cheech: Wow, man! That's far out, man!
Chong: Yeah! And then, when they flied across da sky, they used ta
come down to place like, oh, Chicago, L.A., Nueva York and Pacoima and
all those places, y'know, and then land on top of people's roofs, and
then 'ol Santa Claus would make himself real small, y'know, like, a real
small guy, and he'd come down da chimney and then he would give you all
da stuff that he made, man. And...dig this, man...he did it all in one
night, man!
Cheech: Hey, just a minute, man. Now, how'd he do that, man?
Chong: Oh, well, man, he took da freeway. How else, man?
Cheech: No, man. No, man, how'd he do all that other stuff, man?
Like, how'd he make himself small, man. And, how'd he, like, how'd he
get the reindeer off the ground, man?
Chong: Oh, well, man, he had some magic dust, man.
Cheech: Some magic dust?
Chong: Yeah, magic dust, y'know? He used ta give a little bit to da
reindeer, a little bit to Santa Claus, a little bit more for Santa
Claus, a little bit more...
Cheech: And this would get the reindeer off, man?
Chong: Aw, got 'em off, man?!? Are you kidding, man? They flew all
da way around da world, man!
Cheech: Hey, that's far out, man! Hey, I come I never met this
dude, man?
Chong: Oh, man, he doesn't do that bit anymore, man. It got too
dangerous, man.
Cheech: Yeah, I can dig that, man, 'cause that's a dangerous bit, man!
Chong: Yeah, lemme tell ya, it sure was, man. Like just two years
ago, man, he got stopped at the border, y'know, and they took him into
another room and took off his clothes, man, and searched him and
searched his bag of goodies, man...and then, when he was leaving, man,
he was flying through the air and somebody took a chot and his reindeer,
y'know.
Cheech: Aw, that's a drag, man.
Chong: Yeah, it really was, man. And then, man, he went down south,
man, and they tried to cut of his hair and his beard, man. And all the
time, he was getting stopped and pulled over and asked for his ID,
man...just everywhere he went, he ran into too much recession, man.
Cheech: No, man, you mean he ran into too much REPRESSION, man.
Chong: Aw, repression...recession...it's all da same thing, man.
Cheech: Yeah, man. But, it's a drag, man, 'cause we could sure use
a dude like that right now.
Chong: Oh, he still comes around, man.
Cheech: Oh, yeah?
Chong: Yeah, but he comes in disguises now...
Cheech: Aw, he went underground, man.
Chong: Yeah, underground, man.
Cheech: I can dig it.
Chong: Yeah. But you ought to see his disguise...nobody would ever
know it was him, man.
Cheech: Oh, yeah?
Chong: Yeah. He's gotta job in front of da department store,
ringing this bell and playing this tambourine next to this black pot,
y'know?
Cheech: AW, I'VE SEEN THE DUDE, MAN!
Chong: YEAH! You know who I'm talking about, man!
Cheech: Yeah, man! I played with that cat last year, man!
Chong: WHA?!?!?
Cheech: Yeah, we played in front of a store, man! We made a lot of
bread, man!
Chong: Aw, hey, wait a minute, man! Santa Claus is not a musician, man!
Cheech: I'm hip, man! That cat didn't know ANY tunes, man!
Chong: Oh, hey, wait a minute, man...no, he's not hip to that at
all, man.
Cheech: No, but I played with THIS dude, man.
Chong: Are you sure, man?
Cheech: Positive!