An oldie but goodie--Qantas squawks and mechanics' responses:

SQUAWK: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
RESPONSE: Almost replaced left inside main tire.


SQUAWK: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
RESPONSE: There is no autoland installed on this aircraft.


SQUAWK: Something loose in cockpit.
RESPONSE: Something tightened in cockpit.


SQUAWK: Dead bugs on windshield.
RESPONSE: Live bugs on backorder.


SQUAWK: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
RESPONSE: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


SQUAWK: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
RESPONSE: Evidence removed.


SQUAWK: DME volume unbelievably loud.
RESPONSE: DME volume set to more believable level.


SQUAWK: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
RESPONSE: That's what they're there for!


SQUAWK: IFF inoperative.
RESPONSE: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


SQUAWK: Suspected crack in windscreen.
RESPONSE: Suspect you're right.


SQUAWK: Number 3 engine "missing". (note: this was for a piston-engined
airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
RESPONSE: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


SQUAWK: Aircraft handles funny.
RESPONSE: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.


SQUAWK: Radar hums.
RESPONSE: Reprogrammed radar with words.


SQUAWK: Mouse in cockpit.
RESPONSE: Cat installed.