Our pal Bobert Stoogel, also known as "Dead Man Walking,"
aka FAA Administrator sent another love note out to his
brick-makers the other day. I'm not sure when...I was
sunning my buns in Miami. Since Boberto often drools in
code I will give you the lowdown, with his tripe in type and
mine (in parenthesis like this

To: All FAA Employees (civil servant slaves)
From: Bobby Sturgell/AWA/FAA (Dead Man Walking/dumb/ass)
Date: 09/12/2008 12:40PM
Subject: If Congress Fails to Act on FAA Authorization....
(we are screwed)

Dear Colleagues: (meaning all you other crappy Republican
zombies carrying Bushes' water for the last umpteen
God-forsaken days)

As you may know, the current extension of the legislative
authorization for the FAA’s programs is scheduled to expire
September 30, and we need to make employees aware of the
consequences if the Congress fails to act on time to extend
our authority. (Hallelujah! Finally the dead weight gets
sent home! The Laveys and Fannys and Ventricles and all
like and manner of flotsam and jetsam shall be sent home to
eat bon-bons and watch Oprah. Or clean out their fridge of
every sugary thing. Or both.)

If that happens, the government’s authority to collect most
aviation taxes would end. (Hallelujah! The airlines will
continue to rape the gullible, American-Idol loving public
at normal fares, like they did last time, and pocket the
taxes for themselves!) These are the taxes that fund the
Airport and Airway Trust Fund (AATF), and, at the moment, a
lapse in taxes would be significant because the balance in
the uncommitted balance of the AATF is relatively low
(meaning we have ****ed away all our money. We've eaten our
seed corn. We bought into Marion's mantra and now our
panties are bunched at our ankles and the flashbulbs are
a'poppin'.) FAA’s authority to make expenditures from the
AATF will also end on September 30th. (I say again,
Hallelujah! The drunken idiots at the top will be prevented
from squandering another cent of my grandchildren's money.
The ignorant dullards who have wasted untold BILLIONS and
BILLIONS and BILLIONS of dollars would be prevented by law
from pouring more sand out of that boot.)

Without authority to spend money from the AATF beyond
September 30, we would not be able to pay the salaries of
our Airports, F&E and RE&D employees because they are paid
solely from the AATF. (Blah Blah Blah Blah, made up
bogeymen, scare tactics. This is like the captain of the
Titanic announcing that there are no more lifeboats. Well
no ****! You knew that when you loaded this sinking piece
of crap. And you didn't do a damn thing about it, so now
people have to die to memorialize, for all time, your
stupidity.)

The rest of the agency’s employees are paid from our
Operations account, which is funded from both the AATF and
the general fund. (Ahhhh....the people doing the heavy
lifting will be left in the facilities while the donut
munchers duck and cover.) Because of the general fund
component, FAA activities supported by our Operations
account could continue even after the AATF authority has
expired but only for a relatively short time. (Hallelujah!
Finally a day off for our nation's air traffic
controllers!!! Memo to Bobert: SHUT IT DOWN, SONNY. SHUT
IT ALL THE WAY DOWN. Let the travelers walk, or drive, or
crawl, or for the international travelers, swim. SHUT.
THE. SYSTEM. DOWN. Chop-Chop, little man, while there is
still some summer left for the controllers to keep the top
down on their 'Vettes and take the cigarette boats out for
one last spin around Long Island.)

Another factor complicating this picture is our yearly
appropriations (which we have lied about since Elvira was a
little bitty flying monkey.) We expect that, as of October
1st, FAA — as well as most government agencies — will be
operating under a continuing resolution (CR) (at least, we
hope so, or all this scary **** I'm rattling in your face
might actually happen. Except that a shutdown of the
government thirty five days before the presidential election
would pretty much doom Beauty and the Beast, so there will
not, I REPEAT NOT, be a government shutdown this fall, no
matter what happens. And everyone will get paid. And no
one will get furloughed. And Bobby will look like a lying
sack of **** again.) Although the length of the CR is
unknown at this point, we understand that Congress is
considering a bill that would provide appropriations through
November 30th (because the Democratic Congress is not going
to give the Republican administration more than a few copper
pennies to rub together.) With a 60-day CR but no trust
fund authorization, the general fund resources will only
support about 3 weeks of operations (perfect.) Once those
funds are spent, however, all FAA activities, with the
exception of emergency operations, would be forced to shut
down. (Hallelujah! Sayonara! So long, farewell,
aufweidersen goodbye, adieu, adieu, adieu adieu adieu.
Ta-ta. Hit the bricks. Abandon. Foresake. Adios. Make
like a hockey game and get the puck out of here. Make like
a tree and leaf. Make like a prisoner and beat it. Don't
go away mad. Just go.)

I hesitate to use the word “furlough,” (because it will
never, never, never, never happen,) but that may be
necessary if Congress fails to take appropriate action.
(And monkeys may fly out my butt, too. If there is a
government shutdown, you will hear Obama and Biden laughing
so hard they will knock the smile right off the Bridge To
Nowhere Builder's botox-perfect facade.) That said, I remain
confident that the Congress will act in time, but we may not
know this until later in the month when the Congress is
scheduled to take up this matter (because we are typically
surfing the net for porn, and can't be bothered to keep up
with current events.) Meanwhile, I will keep you advised as
things develop (like film, and relationships, and movie
plots, and North Korean a-bombs. Because as far as FAA
things 'developing,' I haven't got the foggiest idea. I
never did. I never will.)

Bobby (or Robert if testifying in Congress. Or Bobert if
confused. Or "Creamy Spinach" if flying a Top Gun airplane.
Or "loser" if seen at a NATCA convention. Or "unemployed
bum" if seen in February of 2009.)