Pilot's Gun Goes Off On Flight From Denver
U.S. Airways Pilot Part Of Flight Deck Officer Program

The transcript of the cockpit voice recorder for this incident has
been released.

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Captain: "Charlotte Tower, US Airways 1536 is with you on ten mile
final, passing 8000 for 5000."

ATC: "US Airways 1536, Charlotte Tower, radar contact ten miles,
cleared to land, number two behind company traffic five miles at your
eleven oclock, altimeter three zero one one, winds two five zero at
five, traffic three oclock, company 737, one mile, no factor."

=BANG!=

Captain: What the f*ck was that?!?!

First Officer: Oh, man, sorry about that, I was doing my NRA-mandated
pre-landing checklist on the Smith and Wesson pocket cockpit
protector.

Captain: Are you out of your damn mind???

First Officer: Get off my back or I'll report you to Mr. Heston.

Captain: You put a damn hole through the plane, you retard!

First Officer: So what? We'll write it up as a micrometeor strike.

Captain: From the inside??? Put that damn thing away!

ATC: "US Airways 1536, Charlotte Tower, that traffic at your three
oclock is reporting gunfire coming from your direction, said the
tracer damn near creased his hairline. What's going on over there?"

First Officer: Tell them it was a bird strike or I'll shoot you.

Captain: Shut your piehole, idiot.

Captain: "Tower, US Airways 1536 is declaring an emergency."

=CLICK!=

First Officer: (Damn. Forgot to reload.)

=ZAP!=

First Officer: AIEEE!!!! thud

Captain: (Thank goodness for "High IQ" brand pocket tasers.)

=DING!=

Captain: "Flight attendants and Ms. Clinton, prepare for sniper
fire... Oops, I mean, prepare for landing."

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If you ask me, what we need is less dip**** John Wayne impersonators
in the cockpit, and more pilots who understand that the best way to
keep someone from getting through the reinforced door and into the
cockpit is to use the aircraft's flight control surfaces and systems.
But of course, the NRA's whining over their megaphones drowns out any
possibility of intelligent conversation.