After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe =
sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The =
mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and =
then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it =
be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. =20

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots =
(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by =
maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline =
that has never had an accident. ... Enjoy! =20

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. =20
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. =20

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. =20
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. =20

P: Something loose in cockpit. =20
S: Something tightened in cockpit. =20

P: Dead bugs on windshield. =20
S: Live bugs on back-order. =20

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute =
descent. =20
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. =20

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. =20
S: Evidence removed. =20

P: DME volume unbelievably loud. =20
S: DME volume set to more believable level. =20

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. =20
S: That's what they're for. =20

P: IFF inoperative. =20
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. =20

P: Suspected crack in windshield. =20
S: Suspect you're right. =20

P: Number 3 engine missing. =20
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. =20

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) =20
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. =20

P: Target radar hums. =20
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. =20

P: Mouse in cockpit.=20
S: Cat installed. =20

And the best one for last... =20

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget =
pounding on something with a hammer. =20
S: Took hammer away from midget=20

--=20
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"Common sense is not so common."=20
-- Voltaire