French Military History in a Nutshell

Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years
of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War: Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic
who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare - "France's
armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchmen."

Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country ever to
lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

Thirty Years' War: France is technically not a participant, but manages
to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the
other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution: Tied; Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
chapeaux.

The Dutch War: Tied.

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War:
Lost, but claimed as a tie. Deluded Frogophiles the world over label the
period as the height of French Military Power.

War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The War also gave the French their
first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.

American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to future
Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far
more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to
the Second Rule of French Warfa "France only wins when America does
most of the fighting".

French Revolution: Won, primarily due to the fact that the opponent was
also French.

The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First
Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for
a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk
Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

WWI: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United
States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like not only to
sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly,
widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement
in the French bloodline.

WWII: Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain
just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with
Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western army
by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First
Rule of Muslim Warfare -"We can always beat the French." This rule is
identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans,
English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Eskimos.

War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders
to Germans and Muslims just to be safe.


--

Scott
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"Interestingly, we started to lose this war only after the embedded
reporters pulled out. Back when we got the news directly from Iraq,
there was victory and optimism. Now that the news is filtered through
the mainstream media here in America, all we hear is death and
destruction and quagmire..." Ann Coulter
http://www.anncoulter.com/columns/2003/091703.htm