The following advisory for American travelers heading for
France was compiled from information provided by the U.S.
State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the U.S.
Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration,
the Center for Disease Control and some very expensive spy
satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as
a guide for American travelers only and no guarantee of
accuracy is ensured or intended.

General Overview

France is a medium-sized foreign country situated on the
continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world
community, although not nearly as important as it thinks. It
is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some
smaller nations of no particular consequence or shopping
opportunities.

France is a very old country with many treasures such as the
Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to Western
civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese and the
guillotine.

Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation,
air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to
get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for
American visitors is that the people willfully persist in
speaking French, although many will speak English if
shouted at repeatedly.

The People

France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom
drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are
dangerously oversexed and have no concept of standing
patiently in a line. The French people are generally gloomy,
temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined;
those are their good points. Most French citizens are
Roman Catholic, although you'd hardly guess it from their
behavior. Many people are Communists and topless
sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names
like Marie and they kiss each other when they hand out
medals. American travelers are advised to travel in groups
and to wear baseball caps and colorful pants for easier
mutual recognition.

Safety

In general, France is a safe destination, although travelers
are advised that France is occasionally invaded by Germany.
By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and,
apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and
increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock
market prices, life for the visitors generally goes on much as
before. A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the
English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it
easier for the French government to flee to London.

History

France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages.
Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the
Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de
Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an
airport.

Government

The French form of government is democratic but noisy.
Elections are held more or less continuously and always
result in a run-off. For administrative purposes, the country is
divided into regions, departments, districts, municipalities,
cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths and floor tiles.
Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower
(although, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor),
whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither
of whom can be trusted. Parliament's principal
preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South
Pacific and acting indignant when anyone complains.
According to the most current State Department intelligence,
the current President is someone named Jacques. Further
information is not available at this time.

Culture

The French pride themselves on their culture, although it is
not easy to see why. All of their songs sound the same and
they have hardly ever made a movie that you want to watch
for anything except the nude scenes. Nothing, of course, is
more boring than a French novel (except perhaps an evening
with a French family.)

Cuisine

Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail
is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the
other hand, are excellent although it is impossible for most
Americans to pronounce this word. American travelers are
therefore advised to stick to cheeseburgers at McDonald's or
the restaurants at the leading hotels such as Sheraton or
Holiday Inn.

Economy

France has a large and diversified economy, second only to
Germany's economy in Europe, which is surprising since
people hardly ever work at all. If they are not spending four
hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking
the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal
exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine,
nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne,
high-caliber weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks,
attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.

Public Holidays

France has more holidays than any other nation in the world.
Among its 361 national holidays and: 197 saint's days, 37
National Liberation days, 16 Declaration of Republic days, 54
Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if He Won the War
Single-Handed days, 18 Napoleon Called Back from Exile
days and 112 France is Great and the Rest of the World Isn't
days. Other important holidays include National Nuclear
Bomb Day (January 12th), the Feast of St. Brigitte Bardot
Day (March 1st) and National Guillotine Day (November
12th.)

Conclusion

France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied
landscape and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a
very nice country if French people didn't inhabit it. The best
thing that can be said for it is that it is not Germany.
Remember that no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally
we always take our vacation in Miami Beach and you are
advised to do the same. Thank you and good luck.

-Dave Barry