Congrats. This is in the running for the biggest BS story I have heard in a
long while. Keep it up I need the laughs.

I took a flight from Gatwick on a Shorts thingy (might have been a 360).
While waiting on board for the flight crew to arrive, I noticed some
fluid dripping from the left engine nacelle. I pointed this out to our
stew and her bored reply was, "Oh yeah, it always does that". We were
then told that the truck hadn't arrived with the hot water for
beverages, so we were asked to vote whether to wait or to go without and
be content with alcoholic drinks. Given that we were all journalists,
guess what we decided...

When the captain boarded, I noted that he had bottle-thick glasses
(makes me wonder if he was flying on a Class 2 medical in those days)
and had trouble closing the sliding door to the flight deck. He then
introduced himself as ... wait for it ... Captain Hazard. I kid you not.