Well... It's that time of the year again. It's time for my annual
proficiency check. Last year I almost crashed. This year was no different.

My helper pilot and I ran through the routines while a check-airman sat in
the jumpseat observing us. We cured hot starts and hung starts. We didn't
forget to disconnect the ground power before pushback this time (Doh!!). We
successfully handled a highspeed rejected take-off. We did a low visibility
take-off (RVR of 500/500/500). Of course one of the engines caught fire and
failed right at rotation. We came back around for the ILS but had to execute
a single-engine missed approach and enter a holding pattern when the airport
didn't show up at decision altitude . The controller promised that the
weather had improved as we were holding but that only the NDB approach was
working because of power outages at the ATC facilities (the NDB is off the
field). I'm pretty good at NDB approaches because that's all I had in the
old days. We popped out of the clouds exactly on the extended runway
centerline and had a greaser landing.

After the engine was fixed, we took-off again. We encountered windshear at
400'AGL. I pulled the nose up to stick-shaker. The power was already set. We
don't use firewall thrust anymore to recover unless death is imminent. We
got through the windshear just fine. Then the check-airman told us that
there was a simulated medical emergency in the cabin. We declared a
simulated emergency and asked for vectors to the airport. ATC told us to
expect an ILS. Abeam the airport on downwind, I called for slats and flaps
to start slowing down for the appraoch. The slat/ flap handle was jammed. It
figures- everything goes wrong on checkrides! My helper pilot read through
the procedure as called for in the handbook. Our weight gave us a ref speed
of 190 knots. Max tire speed is 195. The wind was a direct crosswind. The
runway was longer than required. My helper turned off the Ground Proximity
Warning System because doing 190 knots on the ILS can give a sink rate of
over 1000 ft/min, which normally sets off the GPWS which then requires a
go-around. It all worked out and I had another greaser landing! After a
touch and go, we climbed up to 10,000'. At 10,000', I started the airwork
with steep turns. At 250 knots, a slight drop of the nose will have you
exceeding ATP practical test standards real quick. Then I did the stall
series. All that remained of the required manuevers for the checkride was to
land. Everything was going good. Then the check-airman asked if I had ever
rolled the airplane.

"S**t", I replied. "Watch this ya'll!" It was the prettiest roll you've ever
seen. I lost 40', which isn't bad when you consider that the plane is 147'
long. The check-airman was smiling. His coffee didn't spill. He was
impressed. My helper pilot was pale white. Too bad- he was a pretty good
helper pilot. He looked rather disgruntled now. Guess I'm going on another
helper pilot's no-fly list. So what? Screw him! Then the check-airman asked
if I had ever looped the airplane.

Well, I hadn't, but if he'd talk me through it, I'd give it a try. There was
a strange odor coming from the area of the helper pilot. He kept his mouth
shut. He may have been in shock but I didn't care as long as he kept his
mouth shut. Then I said, "Watch this ya'll!"

I pushed the power up to within a knot of redline. I pulled back gently to
the aft stop of the yoke. The nose went up and up. I had never seen that
much blue on the artificial horizon before. Also, I had never seen the
airspeed bleed off so fast. I expressed concern but the check-airman said it
would work. As the nose went 5 degrees past vertical, the airspeed bled down
to 60 knots. The strange odor was coming from my seat now. I pulled the yoke
as hard as I could. I firewalled the engines. Being seriously concerned for
our safety, I gave the obligatory 'Oh S**t' for the CVR. Those must have
been the majic words because the nose fell through the horizon and the plane
did a half snap-roll to end up right-side up. Then I became acutely aware th
at I was about to die.

The plane was right side up, but the nose was pointing 80 degrees down. I
pulled the power back to idle. I pulled the speed brake lever all the way
out. I pulled on the yoke as much as I dared. The airspeed still blew
through redline. The overspeed warning went off. I pulled back on the yoke
as hard as I dared. I had to raise the nose to slow down, but I didn't want
to rip the wings off either. Transport category is only good for 2.5 Gs. My
mind was working furiously to save my butt. I even remembered to extend the
landing lights for more drag. The VSI was still pegged at 6000' fpm, but it
looked like we might just recover. I started to smile.

Then the nose started dropping again. Pulling back on the yoke didn't do
anything, except set off the stick-shaker which indicates a stall, a stall
at 100 knots over red-line. I'd put a little back-pressure on the yoke and
the stick-shaker would shake. I'd release some back-pressure and the shaker
would stop. After 4 tries, my smile went away. My adrenelin soaked brain
realized that death was imminent. We had encountered mach tuck. The
stick-shaker told me that we were in the coffin corner. We were along for
the ride at that point, a short ride. I wasn't smiling. With nothing left to
lose, I dropped the landing gear. It made quite a lot of noise.

It sounded like the gear doors were now missing, but that was alright
because the airspeed was slowing down, The nose was starting to come up. I
was smiling again. We leveled off at 4000'. It feels good to know you are
going to survive. I saw the airport and asked for landing clearance. It
wasn't quite a greaser, but it felt better than most. Then the right main
gear collapsed. We lurched to the right and skidded to a stop at an obscene
bank angle. I ordered an emergency evacuation and ran the checklist.

Outside, the check-airman congratulated me. I had lived, and I had passed my
check-ride. We smoked 3 engines and destroyed a multi-million dollar
airplane, and I still passed my check-ride. What a great job!

D.