"It will consist of a calibrated load cell to be inserted into the rectum
before flight. Clearly, just prior to any significant catastrophic event
there will be extraordinary involuntary constriction of the rectal sphincter
muscles which will cause the load cell to activate."

My neighbor and I built kayaks from scratch. He came up with this design
with a pretty round bottom. His theory was that it would be initially
unstable, but as it rolled over, it would become more stable. I had a more
conventional design. When we tried his out, I found that the kayak was
constantly causing involuntary constriction of my rectal sphincter muscles.
In fact I commented on such when I got out.

I have never flown a plane like that, but I have read about them. I expect
we would get many more false ELT activations.

And, every carrier landing would activate the ELTs.

Colin