WARNING! DO NOT POST SANTA'S CHECKRIDE!

Don't. If I have to read this hoary old chestnut again, I'll kick yer
butt!!!

You have been warned!!!

John T wrote:
Don't. If I have to read this hoary old chestnut again, I'll kick yer
butt!!!

Ya know, if you'd just posted the damn thing, you only woulda seen it once or
twice. Now you'll see about a hundred of 'em.

George Patterson
Coffee is only a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to
your slightly older self.

Santa's Checkride with the FAA

One day Santa was surprised to find an FAA inspector showing up on his
doorstep who insisted on giving Santa a checkride in his sleigh. Santa
protested that he wasn't flying an airplane and wasn't governed by any of
the FARs but the FAA inspector insisted he wouldn't be allowed to cross into
US airspace without an approved checkride.

So Santa relented, strapped in his reindeer and prepared the sleigh for
takeoff.

As he took his seat at the reins he noticed the FAA inspector sat down
beside him with a shotgun. Somewhat alarmed Santa asked him why he carried a
shotgun! The FAA inspector turned to Santa and, after a moment's hesitation,
said

"Well, what the heck. I'm really not supposed to tell you this ahead of time
but you're going to lose one on takeoff!"





"John T" wrote in message
...
Don't. If I have to read this hoary old chestnut again, I'll kick yer
butt!!!

You have been warned!!!

OtisWinslow wrote:
Santa's Checkride with the FAA

One day Santa was surprised to find an FAA inspector showing up on his
doorstep who insisted on giving Santa a checkride in his sleigh. Santa
protested that he wasn't flying an airplane and wasn't governed by any of
the FARs but the FAA inspector insisted he wouldn't be allowed to cross into
US airspace without an approved checkride.

So Santa relented, strapped in his reindeer and prepared the sleigh for
takeoff.

As he took his seat at the reins he noticed the FAA inspector sat down
beside him with a shotgun. Somewhat alarmed Santa asked him why he carried a
shotgun! The FAA inspector turned to Santa and, after a moment's hesitation,
said

"Well, what the heck. I'm really not supposed to tell you this ahead of time
but you're going to lose one on takeoff!"

Damn. I expected the incineration point umpteen second stop at each
house one :-(

Damn. I expected the incineration point umpteen second stop at each
house one :-(

Hey! I haven't heard that one! Please post it.

vince norris

"vincent p. norris" wrote in message
...
Damn. I expected the incineration point umpteen second stop at each
house one :-(

Hey! I haven't heard that one! Please post it.


A Technical Analysis of Santa Claus

---------------------

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of

living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects

and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer, which only

Santa has ever seen.

2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since

Santa doesn't appear to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist

children, that reduces the workload to 15 percent of the total - 378 million

according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average census rate of 3.5

children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at

least one good child in each.

3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different

time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west

(which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to

say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th

of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the

stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever

snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and

move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops

are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be

false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now

talking about 0.78 miles per household, a total trip of 75 1/2 million
miles,

not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31

hours, plus feeding, etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650

miles per second. 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of

comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe,

moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run,

tops, 15 miles per hour.

4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that

each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the

sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariable

described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more

than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could

pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even

nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even

counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison -

this is four times the weight of the QE2.

5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air

resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as space

crafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will

absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they

will burst into flame about instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind

them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer

team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa,

meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater

than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ridiculously slim) would be

pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - if Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's

dead now.

Thanks.

I was looking for that.

Hmmph... When viewed from the cold scientific perspective, the magic
somehow disappears... I like Cheech & Chong's version better : )

wrote:
Hmmph... When viewed from the cold scientific perspective, the magic
somehow disappears... I like Cheech & Chong's version better : )

Cheech and Chong - Santa Claus and His Old Lady

Cheech: (Playing piano) Mamamasita, donde esta Santa Cleese...the
vecto wit da bony knees...he comin' down da street wit no choos on his
feet...and he's going to...No, no, that ain't it...Mamamasita, donde
esta Santa Claus...da guy wit da hair on his jaws...he's...Nah. Hey,
man, come over here, man. I need some help, man.
Chong: Yeah, man, I can dig that. Like, what are ya doin', man?
Cheech: Aw, I'm trying to write a song about Santa Claus, man, but
it's not comin' out...
Chong: About WHO, man?
Cheech: About Santa Claus, man. You know, Santa Claus, man?
Chong: Oh, yeah, man. I played with those dudes, man.
Cheech: WHAT?
Chong: Yeah, last year at the Fillmore, man. Me and the base
player sat in, man.
Cheech: Oh, hey, man, you think Santa Claus is a group, huh? No,
it's not a group, man.
Chong: Wha? They break up, man?
Cheech: No, man. It's one guy, man. Y'know, he had a...a red suit,
man, on with black padded leather choos...you know the guy, man.
Chong: Oh, yeah...he's with Motown, ain't he? Yeah, I played with
that dude, too, man. He's a good singer, man.
Cheech: No, no, hold on, man. He's not with Motown, man.
Chong: Well, then he's with Buddha, man.
Cheech: Aw, man, you don't know who Santa Claus is, man!
Chong: Yeah, well, I'm not from here, man. Like, I'm from
Pittsburgh, man. I don't know to many local dudes.
Cheech: Oh...I see. Well, hey, man, sit back and relax and I'll
tell you da story about Santa Claus, man. Listen... Once upon a time,
about, hmmm, five years ago, there was this groovy dude and has name was
Santa Claus, y'know? And he used to live over in the projects with his
old lady, and they had a pretty good thing together because his old lady
was really fine, and she could cook and all that stuff like that,
y'know. Like, she made da best brownies in town, man!
Chong: Oh, I could remember 'em now, man. I could eat ONE of 'em,
man...
Cheech: Wow, did you know these people, man?
Chong: Oh, yeah, man. They used to live next door to me,
y'know...until they got kicked out, man.
Cheech: Wha? They got kicked out of the projects, man?
Chong: Yeah, you what happened, man? They used ta live with all
these midgets, y'know, and da midgets used ta make a lot noise, y'know,
like pounding and hammering and pounding all night, man...
Cheech: Typical freaks, huh?
Chong: Oh, yeah, man, they were REALLY freaks, man. As a matter of
fact, they all moved up north together, y'know.
Cheech: Oh, they had to go get their head together, man?
Chong: Yeah, get their head together. And they started a commune,
y'know. It was called the...uh...Santa Claus and his Old Lady
Commune...it was a real famous one up there, man. And they used to sit
around and groove all the time, y'know.
Cheech: Oh, yeah?
Chong: Yeah, a really good time there, man.
Cheech: That sounds heavy, man.
Chong: Yeah, they eat da brownies, man, and they drink da tea,
man...and what they did most of da time, though, was make a lotta
goodies, y'know? And they had everything they needed...they only needed
to come into town maybe once year or something like that...
Cheech: To pick up the welfare check and the food stamps, right.
Chong: Yeah, man. No, no, what they did, man, is that, once a year,
when they made all the goodies, y'know, they used ta put 'em in a big
chopping bag and, then, they used ta take da chopping bag and give 'em
to all the boys and girls all da way around da world, man!
Cheech: Hey, well, that's hip, man! That sounds real nice, man.
Chong: Oh, yeah, they were really nice people man. And so much
class, man... they had so much class, y'know. Like, give or take da way
they used ta deliver da toys, y'know. It's, like, Santa Claus used ta
have this really charp chort, man, y'know? It was lower to da ground,
had twice-pipes, candy-apple red and button top. Ooh, clean!
Cheech: Hey, that sounds like a hip snowmobile, man.
Chong: No, no, it wasn't a snowmobile...it was a sled, y'know. One
of those big sleds, y'know? And he used ta have it pulled by some
reindeers, y'know, like, reindeers?
Cheech: Some WHAT, man?
Chong: Some reindeers, y'know. He used ta hook them onto da sled,
and then he used ta stand up inside da sled and hold on to da reins, and
then call out their names, like, On, Donner! On, Blitzen! On, Chewy! On,
Tavo! C'mon, Becto! And then, the reindeers used ta take off into da sky
and fly across da sky, man!
Cheech: Wow, man! That's far out, man!
Chong: Yeah! And then, when they flied across da sky, they used ta
come down to place like, oh, Chicago, L.A., Nueva York and Pacoima and
all those places, y'know, and then land on top of people's roofs, and
then 'ol Santa Claus would make himself real small, y'know, like, a real
small guy, and he'd come down da chimney and then he would give you all
da stuff that he made, man. And...dig this, man...he did it all in one
night, man!
Cheech: Hey, just a minute, man. Now, how'd he do that, man?
Chong: Oh, well, man, he took da freeway. How else, man?
Cheech: No, man. No, man, how'd he do all that other stuff, man?
Like, how'd he make himself small, man. And, how'd he, like, how'd he
get the reindeer off the ground, man?
Chong: Oh, well, man, he had some magic dust, man.
Cheech: Some magic dust?
Chong: Yeah, magic dust, y'know? He used ta give a little bit to da
reindeer, a little bit to Santa Claus, a little bit more for Santa
Claus, a little bit more...
Cheech: And this would get the reindeer off, man?
Chong: Aw, got 'em off, man?!? Are you kidding, man? They flew all
da way around da world, man!
Cheech: Hey, that's far out, man! Hey, I come I never met this
dude, man?
Chong: Oh, man, he doesn't do that bit anymore, man. It got too
dangerous, man.
Cheech: Yeah, I can dig that, man, 'cause that's a dangerous bit, man!
Chong: Yeah, lemme tell ya, it sure was, man. Like just two years
ago, man, he got stopped at the border, y'know, and they took him into
another room and took off his clothes, man, and searched him and
searched his bag of goodies, man...and then, when he was leaving, man,
he was flying through the air and somebody took a chot and his reindeer,
y'know.
Cheech: Aw, that's a drag, man.
Chong: Yeah, it really was, man. And then, man, he went down south,
man, and they tried to cut of his hair and his beard, man. And all the
time, he was getting stopped and pulled over and asked for his ID,
man...just everywhere he went, he ran into too much recession, man.
Cheech: No, man, you mean he ran into too much REPRESSION, man.
Chong: Aw, repression...recession...it's all da same thing, man.
Cheech: Yeah, man. But, it's a drag, man, 'cause we could sure use
a dude like that right now.
Chong: Oh, he still comes around, man.
Cheech: Oh, yeah?
Chong: Yeah, but he comes in disguises now...
Cheech: Aw, he went underground, man.
Chong: Yeah, underground, man.
Cheech: I can dig it.
Chong: Yeah. But you ought to see his disguise...nobody would ever
know it was him, man.
Cheech: Oh, yeah?
Chong: Yeah. He's gotta job in front of da department store,
ringing this bell and playing this tambourine next to this black pot,
y'know?
Cheech: AW, I'VE SEEN THE DUDE, MAN!
Chong: YEAH! You know who I'm talking about, man!
Cheech: Yeah, man! I played with that cat last year, man!
Chong: WHA?!?!?
Cheech: Yeah, we played in front of a store, man! We made a lot of
bread, man!
Chong: Aw, hey, wait a minute, man! Santa Claus is not a musician, man!
Cheech: I'm hip, man! That cat didn't know ANY tunes, man!
Chong: Oh, hey, wait a minute, man...no, he's not hip to that at
all, man.
Cheech: No, but I played with THIS dude, man.
Chong: Are you sure, man?
Cheech: Positive!

("Darrel Toepfer" wrote)
Hmmph... When viewed from the cold scientific perspective, the magic
somehow disappears... I like Cheech & Chong's version better : )

Cheech and Chong - Santa Claus and His Old Lady
[snipped]


Dave?