somewhat OT : a few good aviation stories...

Enjoy.....I like the b52 one best.... take care Blll

In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes:
"I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day
as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern
California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions
from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they
didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their
scope.

I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed."90 knots"
Center replied.

"Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same."

"120 knots," Center answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our
ground speed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted,
'Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout.'

There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground,
Dusty." "Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe
a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission
coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized
Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in
unison." "Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?"
There was a longer than normal pause .... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots"
No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.
--------------------------------------------------
In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a
request for clearance to FL 60 (60,000ft). The incredulous controller,
with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to
60,000 feet?
The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go
up to it, we plan to go down to it." He was cleared.
-------------------------------------
The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver.
He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the
navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?" The navigator replied
timidly, "No, what's it for?" The pilot responded, "I use this on
navigators who get me lost!" The navigator proceeded to pull out a
45 and place it on his chart table. The pilot asked, "What's that
for?" "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're
lost before you will."
--------------------------------------------------
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351:
"Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
---------------------------------------------------
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short
of the runway while a MD80 landed. The MD80 landed, rolled out, turned
around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian
in the MD80 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane.
Did you make it all by yourself?"
Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came
back with: "I made it out of MD80 parts. Another landing like that and
I'll have enough parts for another one."
--------------------------------------------------
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing
because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two
behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the pilot remarked,
"the dreaded seven-engine approach."
----------------------------------------------
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was
your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for
takeoff."
--------------------------------------------------
Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around
and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took
off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant , "What was
the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the
engine," explained the flight attendant," and it took us a while to
find a new pilot."
--------------------------------------------------
"Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees." "But
Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil .... For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing. (sign over
the entrance to the SR-71 operating location Kadena, Japan).



You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F.Crickmore -test pilot)



From an old carrier sailor - Blue water Navy truism; There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.



If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe. (The only
crash landing I ever experienced as a passenger was in a Chopper flown by an Army W/O. JHT)



Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots: Flaring is like squatting to pee.



When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the
crash.



Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club. (Oh yeah! RDF)



What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC
screws up, the pilot dies.



Never trade luck for skill.



The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation a "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?"
and "Oh S#!+!"



Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.



Progress in airline flying; now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.



Airspeed, altitude, and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.



A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.



I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.



Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!



Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.



Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding
or doing anything about it.



When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.



Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day. (Col. 'Bud' Mahurin, USAF)



Advice given to RAF pilots during W. W. II. When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest,
cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.



The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop
test pilot)



A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)



If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned
aerobatic and test pilot)



If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the ******* down. (Ernest K. Gann, author &aviator)



Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.



There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ,
1970).



The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and, a good bowel movement. The night carrier
landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author unknown,
but someone who's been there)



"Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV." (A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass
cockpit' of an A-320).



If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.



Basic Flying Rules Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be
recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly
there.



You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.





The three most worthless things in Aviation: 1. Runway behind you, 2. Altitude above you, and 3. A 'Bird Colonel'
for a Navigator.......

From an old carrier sailor - Blue water Navy truism; There are more planes
in the ocean than submarines in the sky.


Which reminds me of my uncle who many moons ago flew for the navy....

He flew those twin engine prop planes that carry the radar domes on them...I
dont remember the type number...

And of course way back when jets werent nearly as reliable and efficient as
today...

From his point of view he referred to them as flying emergencies...because as
he said from the moment they took off they were already down to one engine and
low on fuel

take care


Blll