Humor...some old, some no so old

While taxiing at London Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with
a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you

to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop
right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference
between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take
forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I
tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half
an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you,
and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control
communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of
US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground
controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in
Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke
the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

"Wasn't I married to you once?"
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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a
hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not
able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights
and return to the airport."
================================================== ==========

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm
f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting,
identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing
bored, not f...ing stupid!"
================================================== ==========
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency
124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the
way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end
of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind
Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that
report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for
takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our
caterers"
================================================== ========
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it
was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call
sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747
pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 -- but I didn't land."
================================================== =====
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the
little Fokker in sight."
================================================== ======
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the
following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you

Gad, I've heard all these dozens of time.
But they're still kinda funny.

================================================== ======
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the
following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you



The only one I haven't heard. What's the punchline???

Brad Z wrote:

The only one I haven't heard. What's the punchline???

"Because you lost the bloody war."

George Patterson
This marriage is off to a shaky start. The groom just asked the band to
play "Your cheatin' heart", and the bride just requested "Don't come home
a'drinkin' with lovin' on your mind".

Tom Sixkiller wrote:

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot.

There's also the reported case of a Lufthansa aircraft coming into LA during one of
the fire seasons. When asked for a report of the fire conditions, the pilot said
"Looks chust like London."

George Patterson
This marriage is off to a shaky start. The groom just asked the band to
play "Your cheatin' heart", and the bride just requested "Don't come home
a'drinkin' with lovin' on your mind".

"G.R. Patterson III" wrote in message
...


Tom Sixkiller wrote:

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot.

There's also the reported case of a Lufthansa aircraft coming into LA
during one of
the fire seasons. When asked for a report of the fire conditions, the
pilot said
"Looks chust like London."

That's a "keeper"!!!

Some funny things I've actually heard over the radio:

Approach: "Arrow 024, can you give me a radio check?"
N40024: "Uh, roger......Caaan...youu...heear...thiss?"

------------

Tower: "45X, could you do a 5-count so I can check the receiver?"
45X: "What's that?"
Tower: "Just count to 5 and back slowly."
45X: [not slowly] "Onetwothreefourfive--can we turn base?"

------------

"It's so dark in here, I can't tell what the f--k I'm doing."
-tower controller with a stuck mike

----------

Arrow 558 is on short final, cleared orignally for land-and-hold-short:

Tower (recognizing the critical phase of flight): "Arrow 558, there's no
need to acknowledge, but you're now cleared for touch and go."

558: "Uh roger, there's no need to acknowlege, and cleared for touch and go,
558."

----------

The approach controller was having a hard time getting people to answer him
one afternoon. Some pilots were missing calls, others were just a little
slow in responding. Finally:

Approach: "45G, contact the tower 120.4." (no response)

Approach: (annoyed) "45G, Contact the tower on 120.4." (still no response)

Approach: "All right, WHO CAN HEAR ME OUT THERE?"

There was a slight pause, then:

"44K can hear you."

"46T hears you ok."

"Navajo 14L can hear you."

"Waterski 441 can hear ya."

"487 can hear you."

"Mooney 87V can hear you too."

And after another three or four aircraft, approach got an opening:

Approach: (exasperated) "All right. I THINK THAT WAS EVERYONE!"

------------

Approach: "Arrow 1234, are you a high or a low-tail Arrow?"
Arrow 1234: "Uhh... standby, let me check."

----------

And funny things I've heard elsewhe

Approach: "American 420, slow to 170 knots, following a Citation five miles
ahead."
AA420: "I thought a Citation was a jet."

----------

Pilot: "The first officer says he has the airport in sight."
Approach: "Roger, the first officer is cleared for a visual approach, you
stay on that 280 heading and descend to 3000."

----------

Approach: "Japan Air 123, can you give me a radio check?"
JL123: "Rogah, switching!"

----------

Tower: "Falcon 505, cleared to land, you're following a Tampico on short
final."

Falcon 505: "What's a Tampico?"

Tower: "It's a low wing single, kinda like a Cherokee."

Falcon 505 (kind of haughty voice): "Ohh, I see, we thought it was a Mexican
restaurant!"

Tower: "United 4212, number three, you're following a Falcon five miles
ahead."

United 4212 (just the right amount of irony): "What's a Falcon?"




-Eric



"Tom Sixkiller" wrote in message
...

While taxiing at London Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with
a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you

skyliner wrote:

Some funny things I've actually heard over the radio:

"Trenton, you can repeat that clearance, oh, say about 20 more times. Or once
slowly."

============================================

"New York approach, y'all hear how fast I'm a'talkin'? Well, that's how fast I'm
a'listnen'."

============================================

George Patterson
This marriage is off to a shaky start. The groom just asked the band to
play "Your cheatin' heart", and the bride just requested "Don't come home
a'drinkin' with lovin' on your mind".

"G.R. Patterson III" wrote in message
...


skyliner wrote:

Some funny things I've actually heard over the radio:

"Trenton, you can repeat that clearance, oh, say about 20 more times. Or
once
slowly."

============================================

"New York approach, y'all hear how fast I'm a'talkin'? Well, that's how
fast I'm
a'listnen'."

============================================
Along that line:

A Slowww talking Texas accent heard over the radio to say. "Ahh, Tower, you
wanna repeat that, this time like you really mean it?".

I heard the following on CH9 of the inflight entertainment system on a
United flight during a stormy approach to EWR:

United: Newark Approach, United 357 with you out of 1-5-thousand for
7-thousand.

United: Newark Approach, United 357...
United: Newark Approach, United 357...
United: Newark Approach, United 357...Do you read?

EWR Approach: YESSIR, Newark Reads!!! Usually Left to Right and Top to
Bottom ... we're a little busy down here tonight!!!

Jay Beckman
Student Pilot - KCHD
12.8 Hrs ... Nowhere to go but up!