Creative aircraft financing

Subject: My future


TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture Washington, D.C

Dear Sir, I have been evacuated from New Orleans because the flood took
my old trailer and beat up car. I thought I might go into business to
supplement my welfare check.

My friend over at Wells, Iowa received a check for $1,000 from the
Government for not raising hogs. Right now I'm getting extra help from
the government and Red Cross while I'm displaced but when that stops I
want to go into the "not-raising-hogs" business.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm
not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I
want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all
governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if
that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not
raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this
program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I
haven't raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He
has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made
on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for
$1000 for not raising hogs. If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will
I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale
at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will
mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000
bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising
corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and
corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any
information you have on that too. In view of these circumstances, you
understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for
unemployment and food stamps.

Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours, Ima Taker
PS. Please notify me when you are giving out more free cheese.