Cessation of Silliness

To All:

Clearly, it is time for certain members of this squad roon to cease
such silliness as may be infringing on their ability to slip the
surley.

One refrain that is a virtual constant from any home-builder Down
Under when communicating to the same who happens to be Up Over is an
absolute Darth of Volkswagen engines to abuse. Fear not. Help is at
hand.

I have it on good authority, or at least he was sober at the time,
that the Land Down Under enjoys an absolute plethora of Four Cylinder,
Liquid Cooled, In-line. L-Head Engines made by a gentleman named
Hobart (which I thought was a city but there it is).

I am in occasional correspondence with a Stealth Pilot who threatens
to make CASTINGS of engine components in his effort to overcome the
Darth mentioned in para. 2 (above).

My suggesting is to notify All and Sundry, or at least Mr. Sundry,
should the All prove to be a typo, that the most valuable component of
the engines described in para. 3 (above) is the CRANKSHAFT, which is a
High Quality Casting made from world renowned Queensland Red Steel.
(There is some confusion regarding the specs of other colors but I
have been assured that the Red variety is in good supply.)

To Mr. Hobart's crankshaft you are encouraged to add four (4)
Connecting Rods, the Big Ends of which should be fitted with shell-
type bearings so as to fit the re-ground journals of Mr. Hobart's
crankshaft.

You will also need the LOWER-MOST section of Mr. Hobart's engine.
Yes, that is correct; just the lower portion. Simply take your
largest Hack Saw and cut off the Lower Portion. Place this Lower
Portion on the Table of your Milling Machine, aligned so that the
center-line of the Crankshaft is exactly and precisely aligned with
the center-line of your milling machine's table. Now machine the
Lower Portion so as to Accept the finned, cast-iron, 105mm Cylinder
Barrels made in Japan for use on the VW Type IV engine. These
cylinder barrels come as a Set with matching Pistons & piston Rings,
which you may have shipped to Australia on a returning Iron Ore
Carrier for a very modest sum, or even less, if they are accepted a
few minutes before the usual swarm of Officials appear On-board.

Now is the moment for the Model Engineering Types mentioned in
Paragraph 4 (para. 4, above) to get their **** together and commence
casting Aluminum Heads for your heretofore headless engine. If you
cast the Combustion Chamber as a segment of a circle you will find you
can install valves slightly larger than a dinner plate, which may be
actuated directly by a cam or indirectly by a cam & push-rod. The
castings are to be made from old Foster's cans, collected from the
verge of the North/South highway located slightly to the West of
Brisbane. I am told that it is possible to collect approximately FIVE
TONS of scrap aluminum per day from this source.

The resulting engine, being a Product of Australia, will of course be
required to operate with the Crankcase UP whilst the cylinder heads
are DOWN.

Displacement of the engine will be approximately 2884cc or about 175
cubic inches. When fitted with a suitable Camshaft the engine will
produce 105hp @ 3000 rpm but only for a period of four minutes or less
(Standard Day assumed). Hi-Power Cruise output is approximately
88bhp @ 2850 rpm but your MTBO takes a hit. Optimum Fuel Economy and
Maximum Time Before Overhaul will be obtained if the engine is run at
only 2700 rpm, where it will produce approximately 78.75bhp for an
MTBO of 2150 hours.

Got all that? Alright then, off you go. Let's stop all this ****ing
& Moaning about not having any cute little aircooled German car
engines and start doing Our Thing with cute little Australian General
Purpose and Utility Engines.

-R.S.Hoover