Some Funnies

I hope every one has a great Thanksgiving. God Bless those in harms way.
Sparky

The only three things a wingman should ever say a

1. Two's up.
2. Lead, you're on fire.
3. I'll take the fat chick.



....and in a multi-place aircraft, there are only three things the copilot
should ever say:
1. Nice landing, Sir.
2. I'll buy the first round.
3. I'll take the fat chick.



As a new copilot on American Airlines, I was told to say these three things,
and otherwise keep my mouth shut and not touch anything:
1. Clear on the right.
2. Outer (marker) on the double (indicator)
3. I'll eat the chicken. (Crew meals consisted of one steak and one chicken
to avoid possible food poisoning of the cockpit crew).



About Fighter Pilots
1. As an aviator in flight you can do anything you want...
As long as it's right... And we'll let you know if it's right after you get
down.



2. You can't fly forever without getting killed.



3. As a fighter pilot only two bad things can happen to you and one of them
will:
a. One day you will walk out to the aircraft knowing that it is your last
flight in a fighter.
b. One day you will walk out to the airplane not knowing that it is your last
flight in a fighter.



4. Success is being able to walk to your F.E.B.



5. There are Rules and there are Laws. The rules are made by men who think
that they know better how to fly your airplane than you. The Laws (of Physics)
were made by the Great One. You can, and sometimes should, suspend the Rules
but you can never suspend the Laws.



6. More about Rules:
a. The rules are a good place to hide if you don't have a better idea and the
talent to execute it.
b. If you deviate from a rule, it must be a flawless performance. (e.g., If
you fly under a bridge, don't hit the bridge.)



7. The A-6 Attack pilot and B/N team is the highest form of life on earth.



8. The ideal fighter pilot is the perfect blend of discipline and
aggressiveness.



9. About check rides:
a. The only real objective of a check ride is to complete it and get the
******* out of your airplane.
b. It has never occurred to any flight examiner that the examinee couldn't
care less what the examiner's opinion of his flying ability really is.



10. The medical profession is the natural enemy of the aviation profession.



11. The job of the Wing Commander is to worry incessantly that his career
depends solely on the abilities of his aviators to fly their airplanes without
mishap and that their only minuscule contribution to the effort is to bet their
lives on it.



12. Ever notice that the only experts who decree that the age of the pilot is
over are people who have never flown anything? Also, in spite of the intensity
of their feelings that the pilot's day is over I know of no such expert who has
volunteered to be a passenger in a non-piloted aircraft.



13. It is absolutely imperative that the fighter pilot be unpredictable.
Rebelliousness is very predictable. In the end, conforming almost all the time
is the best way to be unpredictable.



14. He who demands everything that his aircraft can give him is a pilot; he
that demands one iota more is a fool.



15. If you're gonna fly low, do not fly slow!



16. It is solely the pilot's responsibility to never let any other thing touch
his aircraft.



17. If you can learn how to fly as a Lt. and not forget how to fly by the
time you're an O6 you will have lived a happy life.



18. About night flying:
a. Remember that the airplane doesn't know that it's dark.
b. On a clear, moonless night, never fly between the tanker's lights.
c. There are certain aircraft sounds that can only be heard at night.
d. If you're going to night fly, it might as well be in the weather so you can
double count your exposure to both hazards.
e. Night formation is really an endless series of near misses in equilibrium
with each other.
f. You would have to pay a lot of money at a lot of amusement parks and
perhaps add a few drugs, to get the same blend of psychedelic sensations as a
single engine night weather flight on the wing.



19. One of the most important skills that a pilot must develop is the skill to
ignore those things that were designed by non-pilots to get the pilot's
attention.



20. At the end of the day, the controllers, ops supervisors, maintenance guys,
weather guessers, and birds; they're all trying to kill you and your job is to
not let them!



21. The concept of "controlling" airspace with radar is just a form of FAA
sarcasm directed at fighter pilots to see if they're gullible enough to swallow
it.
Or to put it another way, when's the last time the FAA ever shot anyone down?



22. Remember that the radio is only an electronic suggestion box for the
pilot. Sometimes the only way to clear up a problem is to turn it off.



23. It is a tacit, yet profound admission of the pre-eminence of flying in the
hierarchy of the human spirit, that those who seek to control aviators via
threats always threaten to take one's wings and not one's life.



24. Remember when flying low and inverted that the rudder still works the same
old way but hopefully your IP never taught you "pull stick back, plane go up".



25. Mastering the prohibited maneuvers in the dash-1 is one of the best forms
of aviation life insurance you can get.



26. A tactic done twice is a procedure. (Refer to unpredictability discussion
above)



27. The aircraft G-limits are only there in case there is another flight by
that particular airplane. If subsequent flights do not appear likely, there
are no G-limits.



28. One of the beautiful things about a single piloted aircraft is the quality
of the social experience.



29. If a mother has the slightest suspicion that her infant might grow up to
be a pilot, she had better teach him to put things back where he got them.



30. The ultimate responsibility of the pilot is to fulfill the dreams of the
countless millions of earthbound ancestors who could only stare skyward and
wish.



31. Any flight over water in a single engine fighter will absolutely guarantee
abnormal engine noises and vibrations

elmshoot- The only three things a wingman should ever say a

1. Two's up.
2. Lead, you're on fire.
3. I'll take the fat chick. BRBR

What to never say to your RIO-

1)-what's that?

2)-watch this.
P. C. Chisholm
CDR, USN(ret.)
Old Phart Phormer Phantom, Turkey, Viper, Scooter and Combat Buckeye Phlyer

#1 thing a GIB never wants to hear a pilot mumble is, "Uh-oh."

On 11/28/03 9:56 AM, in article
, "Pechs1"
wrote:

elmshoot- The only three things a wingman should ever say a

1. Two's up.
2. Lead, you're on fire.
3. I'll take the fat chick. BRBR

What to never say to your RIO-

1)-what's that?

2)-watch this.

Reminds me of the USAF exchange dude at VA-95 on their WESTPAC '93. He was
-2 of a flight of two in which lead was shooting some video with his
personal camera--aileron rolls, inverted flight, knife edge... you get the
picture.

When they were done with the briefed stuff -2 offered some direction (with
no additional explanation):

Point the camera steady out front, hold 200 knots and (here's the phrase)
watch this.

He approached from behind and below at about 450 knots (or whatever mil
power gave him). When he was about 20-30 feet below lead's aircraft and saw
the turret of the other jet pass overhead, he smartly hauled back on the
stick.

The tail of his aircraft was sheared off by the nose of his lead. All four
dudes punched out and lived to tell about it.

Lead and his wingman were exonerated. -2 B/N was slapped on the wrist for
not being assertive enough to put a stop to it. The Navy and the USAF
fought for several months over who would get to take away -2 pilot's wings.
The USAF eventually won that battle.

--Woody

What to never say to your RIO-

1)-what's that?

2)-watch this.

3)-Uh, we've got a problem.
4)-Groan! My chest! (particularly effective prior to a night recovery.)

R / John

"Gordon" wrote in message
...
#1 thing a GIB never wants to hear a pilot mumble is, "Uh-oh."

Don't you mean "Oh ****!" Reputably the most common expression used by
pilots during VietEx.

Red Rider

More humor at:

http://www.strategypage.com/humor/de...ht_stories.htm

and

http://www.strategypage.com/humor/de...t=20001215.htm

and

http://www.strategypage.com/humor/de...get=pilots.htm

and

http://www.strategypage.com/humor/de...t=20010406.htm

and

http://www.strategypage.com/humor/de...t=20021002.htm

"John Carrier" wrote in message
...
What to never say to your RIO-

1)-what's that?

2)-watch this.

3)-Uh, we've got a problem.
4)-Groan! My chest! (particularly effective prior to a night recovery.)

Here's one that really got my attention:

After the fourth night bolter, pilot says, "I don't think I can land this
one. We're gonna have to step out of the jet."

__!_!__
Gizmo

After the fourth night bolter, pilot says, "I don't think I can land this
one. We're gonna have to step out of the jet."

That's why they provide that fancy 90-degree angle flashlight - you can toss it
around corners and knock a little sense into him!

G

On 11/30/03 12:12 AM, in article
, "Gordon"
wrote:


After the fourth night bolter, pilot says, "I don't think I can land this
one. We're gonna have to step out of the jet."

That's why they provide that fancy 90-degree angle flashlight - you can toss
it
around corners and knock a little sense into him!

G

That's funny.

We had a pilot that boltered four times with nearly identical passes
something like...

(H)CDIM, TMP.COIC, _HFB_AR B/

Forgive my shorthand, I have too much integrity to be an LSO. After his
obligatory trip to the tanker, he came back around only to show the same
pass again.

At about the "in the middle" position, the B/N says, "Here we go AGAIN."

_LOIM-IC_ 1 -

Probably the only reason they got aboard.

--Woody