Dead Man Walking

Not too very long ago, the "Dead Man Walking" acting FAA
Administrator Bobert Sturgell sent out a tear-stained
missive to his troops. Bobby typed this one standing up,
because he had just come back from Capitol Hill and he
didn't have any ass left to sit down on...they had chewed it
all off. Here is Bobert's letter, with my editorial comment
in parenthesis (like this.)

Dear Colleagues (at least, those of you "Colleagues" with a
car, driver, security, and staff of 45,000):

The last few weeks have been difficult for the FAA.
(Basically we have been getting the living **** kicked out
of us.) It’s discouraging to see the agency’s stewardship of
safety called into question in such a broad-brush fashion
all across the country. (Frankly the detractors should put
down the brush and just start heaping buckets of scorn,
ridicule and indictments at "the agency's stewardship of
safety." This agency is to safety what a fish is to a bicycle.)

Painful as this is, I would urge us all to keep the focus
where it belongs. (Which is: "What have you done to screw
the controller workforce today?") This is not about us – our
reputation or our feelings. (Mainly because our reputation
is in tatters and our tender feelings are being trampled by
truth and justice.) It’s about the flying public. And it
provides us an opportunity to step things up a notch or two.
(Yes, we hope to rise from our current
standard---ZERO---to something measurable in the near
future.) I ask each of you to take a moment to reaffirm
your commitment to the mission and highest standards of
professionalism that has made the FAA the gold standard of
safety the world over. (Except those of you working under
imposed Draconian pay and work rules, which means that you
are ****ed off, ****ed on, burned out, tired, and couldn't
care less about the FAA missions and standards.) I believe
that from crisis, opportunity emerges, (true...an
opportunity to get rid of a lot of deadwood on the 10th
floor of the Puzzle Palace) and this current environment
provides all of us with the opportunity to rededicate
ourselves to the work we do, the excellence we strive for
and to the people we serve. (Namely, the contractors who
will be hiring us in the near future.) We owe them, and
ourselves, nothing less. (Work you do? Exactly how much
rededication does it take to cut sheet cake? How much
rededication does it take to swing by the credit union? How
much dedication does it take to harass and intimidate
subordinates, break the law, ignore Congress, skip safety
inspections, cut corners on training, contract out essential
services, and hold endless meetings about nothing?)

We are in the midst of the safest period in aviation, (a
smoke-and-mirrors trick that will come home to roost long
after we are gone,) but we cannot bask in this achievement,
and this latest episode is a stark reminder of that fact.
(It is also a stark reminder of Elvira and her flying
monkeys, swooping across the country to ruin the National
Airspace System. They got me...and my little dog, too.)
There is no such thing as an acceptable safety plateau.
(Safety plateau? Are you on crack? To even imply that
there is a safety plateau requires that you put down the
pipe for a few hits.) To improve an already outstanding
safety record requires constant vigilance and continuous
improvement – as individuals, as an agency, and as an
industry. (Too bad we are in bed with the airlines and the
industry, and real change will never, never, never happen.)

Continued partnership with the airlines is critical to this
trend. (Can I call it, or what?) As Patrick Smith, an
airline pilot wrote in a New York Times op-ed over the
weekend (“Don’t Ground the Safety System”), the FAA has
worked with the airlines and pilot unions very well over the
years. (Oh, ****. A washed up airline pilot heaping praise
on another washed up airline pilot. Well ain't that just
grand. Do you know how to tell when an airline pilot is
lying? Watch his lips. If they are moving...he's lying.
Let me guess...Chuck Yeager voice...orange juice on the
rumpled tie...making forty grand a year driving Boeings full
of ****ed off people around like a glorified Greyhound Bus
driver. Yeah. His opinion counts. For bumwad.)

This partnership has produced life-saving innovations, Smith
says, and he cites TCAS and cargo-fire suppression systems
as examples. (Smith forgets that TCAS almost killed a bunch
of people when they rolled it out, flight-checking it on the
American people instead of in the lab.) (And may I just
add...BFD. The FAA jumped the shark when they started
treating the airlines like "Customers." And the customers
started bossing the store owner around. And the idiot FAA
took it in the shorts for so long that they now think that
lump in the back of their trousers is natural.)

Each of the partners in this relationship has information
needed to improve safety and if any of these partners is
afraid of bringing that information to light, we will drive
safety problems underground. (Like we have for the last
five years. If you think a controller is going to come to
you with a safety issue, you probably think Marion's one hot
looking woman.) Senior safety inspectors remember only too
well a time when there were signs in airline maintenance
shops urging mechanics, “Don’t Talk to the FAA!” (Anybody
who knows anything knows not to talk to the morons from the
FAA. You do so at your peril. They will hound you, lie to
you, cheat in front of Congress, and try to fire you for the
pettiest of offenses. If you come forward....with safety
problems...you are in worse shape than ValuJet.)

Yet, while we want to hold ourselves accountable, and we
will, I don’t want you hanging your heads. (Now me, I'd
like to see all their heads hung....ala Saddam.) (But
Bobert....he wants you to pretend like nothing has happened,
and when Congress and the media get off our asses, we can go
back to celebrating diversity, or Heritage Month, or Louis
Armstrong's bi-plane, or anything at all except for the
critical staffing in the system and the fact that we are
moments away from an aviation disaster of epic proportions,
one that will turn two Pringles tubes full of jet fuel into
a thin pink mist with little bits of stuff and people
raining down on a small town near you.) You are part of
proud tradition that goes back to 1958 when the FAA was
established, an anniversary that we are celebrating this
year. Take pride in that tradition because you helped make
it happen. (And then, unfortunately.....you got to watch
Marion and I dismantle it in less than six years.)

Meanwhile, keep your chin up and your eye on the ball.
(That way, you won't see the shovelful of crap we are about
to cram into your sphincter. Don’t worry about the politics
or the press. (Because they will go away. They will go
back to the polygamists, or the pandas, or Paris Hilton, and
we will have survived, like the cockroaches we are.) We’ll
do the best we can with those and let the chips fall where
they may. Just do the right thing and don’t worry about the
rest. (In other words....don't screw up, and if you do,
don't let anybody catch you.) We’ll get through this and in
the end we will have a better, stronger agency and, most
importantly, an even better safety record. (Hmmm.
Somebody's lying here. You just told me we are in the midst
of the safest period in aviation. Now you tell me we can
have an even better safety record. Which is it, Bobert?)

Thanks for all you do. It’s an honor to be part of this
agency. (For the very limited time I will be here, until
someone with the sense God gave a picket fence will come
into office and boot my ass to the curb.)

Bobby (aka Bobert, aka Robert, aka Biker Bob)