Tools

Don't forget the dreaded C clamp that requires two hands to apply to two
pieces already requiring two hands to hold in place.
Also the uncalibrated torque wrench used to snap off studs that are
thoroughly seized in your crankcase.
The nibbler that is designed to swell your forearm to a new size while it
digests the skin in the web of your hand between the thumb and forefinger.
All of the Tools are necessary items in the Post Doctoral course in cussing.
I now attract a small crowd when I'm working with my tools. They are
thoroughly impressed that I can cuss for 15 minutes without repeating
myself.
--
Stuart Fields
Experimental Helo magazine

"Blue" wrote in message
u...
Bloody Brilliant, cried with laughter....

--

Regards

Blue


"ORVAL FAIRAIRN" wrote in message
news
I got this one from a friend. How true!


Thought you might enjoy these. They are RIGHT on the mark!



a. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against
that
freshly painted part you were drying.

b. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint
whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you
to
say, "Ouch...."

c. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in
their
holes until you die of old age

d. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

e. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

f. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
the
palm of your hand.

g. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire.
Also handy for igniting the grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to
get the bearing race out of.

h. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
1/2
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

i. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the
ground
after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.

j. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile
upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

k. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

l. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.

m. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool
for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-do off your boot.

n. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt
holes
and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

o. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the
tensile
strength of bolts and fuel lines you may have forgotten to
disconnect.

p.CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the
end
without the handle.

q.AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

r. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth.
Sometimes called drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the
sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at
night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt
light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might
be
used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge.
More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

s.PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,
as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

t.AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts last tightened 70 years ago by someone at Ford, and rounds
them off.

u.PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

v.HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

w.HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from
the object we are trying to hit.

x.MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well
on boxes containing seats, chrome and plastic parts.

"Stuart & Kathryn Fields" wrote

I now attract a small crowd when I'm working with my tools. They are
thoroughly impressed that I can cuss for 15 minutes without repeating
myself.

ROTFLMAO ! I have to use that line, with your permission! It sounds like
me.

I recently topped my best, by shooting a air powered roofing nail, all the
way through my little finger, on the outside of my fingernail, coming out
the middle of the bottom. Ouch!
--
Jim in NC

In article ,
Morgans wrote:

"Stuart & Kathryn Fields" wrote

I now attract a small crowd when I'm working with my tools. They are
thoroughly impressed that I can cuss for 15 minutes without repeating
myself.

ROTFLMAO ! I have to use that line, with your permission! It sounds like
me.

From the trivia page on IMDB for Full Metal Jacket:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093058/trivia

Former US Marines Drill Instructor R. Lee Ermey was hired as a
consultant on how to drill USMC style. He performed a demonstration
on videotape in which he yelled obscene insults and abuse for
fifteen minutes without stopping, repeating himself, or even
flinching - despite being continuously pelted with tennis balls
and oranges. Director Stanley Kubrick was so impressed that he cast
R. Lee Ermey as Gunnery Sergeant Hartmann.


--
John Clear - http://www.clear-prop.org/

Shhhhhhh,
You know Marines can't cuss at recruits during boot camp Little
mommies and daddies may get upset HEE HEE HEE

Patrick
student SPL
aircraft structural mech

"John Clear" wrote in message
...
In article ,
Morgans wrote:

"Stuart & Kathryn Fields" wrote

I now attract a small crowd when I'm working with my tools. They are
thoroughly impressed that I can cuss for 15 minutes without repeating
myself.

ROTFLMAO ! I have to use that line, with your permission! It sounds like
me.

From the trivia page on IMDB for Full Metal Jacket:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093058/trivia

Former US Marines Drill Instructor R. Lee Ermey was hired as a
consultant on how to drill USMC style. He performed a demonstration
on videotape in which he yelled obscene insults and abuse for
fifteen minutes without stopping, repeating himself, or even
flinching - despite being continuously pelted with tennis balls
and oranges. Director Stanley Kubrick was so impressed that he cast
R. Lee Ermey as Gunnery Sergeant Hartmann.


--
John Clear - http://www.clear-prop.org/

Morgans wrote:
I recently topped my best, by shooting a air powered roofing nail, all the
way through my little finger, on the outside of my fingernail, coming out
the middle of the bottom. Ouch!

Well, if it's time for war stories...

My best involved a jigsaw. In a bit of rush, so didn't clamp the work
down solidly. The blade (Did I mention that I get extra use out of every
blade by using them until they're totally blunt?) snagged, the whole saw
jumped so that the blade was about an inch above the work, and,
crucially, higher than my thumb. Down it came, through the thumbnail,
and out the fleshy part of the thumb.

Actually, the worst part was about a week later. The tissue in my thumb
was healing into a big lumpy mass, and the doctor decided that liquid
nitrogen was the way to get rid of it. Tears to the eyes stuff, that is!

"Frank van der Hulst" wrote

Actually, the worst part was about a week later. The tissue in my thumb
was healing into a big lumpy mass, and the doctor decided that liquid
nitrogen was the way to get rid of it. Tears to the eyes stuff, that is!

Mine healed very nicely; antibiotics right away, and the nail was clean,
unlike your blade.

I have experienced the LN, for big warts when I was a kid. They would kill
the flesh, and turn it black, then it would form a scab and fall off. I
hated that doctor.
--
Jim in NC

I recently topped my best, by shooting a air powered roofing nail, all the
way through my little finger, on the outside of my fingernail, coming out
the middle of the bottom. Ouch!

This coming from a "professional" carpenter! :-)

"john smith" wrote

This coming from a "professional" carpenter! :-)

Sad, huh? The more familiar you are with something, the more you take it
for granted. I jerked a tangled air hose, and the gun and my finger met in
mid air.

One thing is true, I think. The more you do something, the more likely you
are to have a problem with it. If you never use a nail gun, you never will
shoot a nail into your finger! :-)
--
Jim in NC

Stuart & Kathryn Fields wrote:
Don't forget the dreaded C clamp that requires two hands to apply to two
pieces already requiring two hands to hold in place.
Also the uncalibrated torque wrench used to snap off studs that are
thoroughly seized in your crankcase.
The nibbler that is designed to swell your forearm to a new size while it
digests the skin in the web of your hand between the thumb and forefinger.
All of the Tools are necessary items in the Post Doctoral course in cussing.
I now attract a small crowd when I'm working with my tools. They are
thoroughly impressed that I can cuss for 15 minutes without repeating
myself.

Don't forget the english wheel which is terrific for extracting blood
from under one's fingernails.

Dan, U.S. Air Force, retired