Least favorite ATC instructions... ... ...

Heard over London, Ontario on the way back from Oshkosh this year:

London App Cherokee 76J say indicated airspeed
Me 76J One Zero Three, 103 Knots
London App Cherokee 76J reduce speed to one zero zero knots,
contact next approach on xxx.xx, inform them of your speed restriction

A three knot speed restriction. ??? Turns out I was catching my next-
tiedown neighbor's Archer.
--
Aaron C.

How about, "N12345, say souls on board and fuel remaining"

....and add to that "equipment is rolling, cleared to land 26R, no other
traffic in the pattern, is there anything else we can do for you? Roger
that, just try to touch down as smooth and slowly as possible."

Had that one... once.

Jim

Otis Winslow wrote:
caleb wrote:

My top three a

1) "TAKE IMMEDIATE EVASIVE ACTION!"

2) "Execute Published Missed Approach WITH OUT DELAY, and hold at the
outer marker"

and as Ben Jackson said:

3) "cleared to land on any runway"


I had that #3 one once .. after I told them I had smoke in the
cockpit and needed to be thinking about being back on the ground.


How long did you have to think about getting back on the ground? :-)

Matt

around NOW!!! YOU ARE LINED UP WITH RUNWAY 7, YOU WERE CLEARED TO LAND
RUNWAY 25, 25 IS THE ACTIVE RUNWAY, RIGHT TURN, GO AROUND NOW!!! I HAVE
LANDING TRAFFIC 25!!" (this guy was rightfully ****ed and obviously
rattled) Then he issued a right turn and a go around to traffic landing
25
and lit into the Cessna driver again. "What were you doing? why were you
landing runway 7, I cleared you #2 on 25" The Cessna pilot must have
responded with some excuse about a mistake and the controller came back
"mistakes are what get people in airplanes killed, next time you make sure
you know where you are! Now join a left downwind for Runway 25, that's
runway 25, traffic at your 3:00 opposite direction, a Piper on an upwind
leg
for runway 25, I said runway 25!"


Reminds me of a guy a couple a weeks ago in Kissimmee Gateway (ISM), he was
told to do a right pattern for runway 15, then he
turned right when he was midfield.... or the student that was coming home
way to late so it was dark. He was about to land
on highway 192 when the controller told him that his transponder was
reporting an altitude of 150 and the controller still didn't have him in
sight... the same student landed in Melbourne (tower controlled) thinking he
was in Sebastian (non controlled), doing fine on the radio exept
it was on the wrong frequency. He landed in Melbourne, taxied back and did
an immidiate departure, tower was a bit
p****d off that day.

My most favorite dialog went like this:

UALXXX: Tower, United XXX heavy, ready to go, 3L.
DTW: United XXX heavy, hold short runway 3L, you're number 2 behind a
little guy back-taxiing.
UALXXX: Okay, but I don't see him.
Me: Tower, umm, "Little Guy" 12345 in position 3L.
Tower: Little Guy 12345, caution wake turbulence parallel runway, fly
heading 020, clear for takeoff 3L.
Me: Zero two zero, clear for takeoff 3L, Little Guy 12345.
Tower: United XXX heavy, clear for takeoff 3L, caution, Cessna wake
turbulence.

Mike Adams wrote:
(Paul Tomblin) wrote:


My top one is "Cleared to land on the green dot, welcome to Oshkosh".




Folks, we have a winner....
Similar to Paul's..."White Cessna, good job, welcome to Oshkosh".
Happened on my first OSH landing three years back.


--
Jack Allison
PP-ASEL-IA Student
Arrow N2104T

"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the Earth
with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there
you will always long to return"
- Leonardo Da Vinci

(Remove the obvious from address to reply via e-mail)

I had an un-favorite dialog at a Class D once. There were three of us
in the pattern:

Tower: Cessna 123, clear touch-and-go 27R.
Cessna 123: Cessna 123.
Tower, Cessna 456, you're number two, clear touch-and-go 27R.
Cessna 456: Umm, okay, clear touch-and-go 27R.
Me: Tower, Cessna 789, I believe I'm number 2 for 27R.
Tower: Cessna 789, you're number 3, continue downwind, I'll call your
base leg.
Me: 789, I'm 1/2 mile final 27R, departing traffic in sight, no one
else.
(pause)
Me: Tower, 789, confirm I'm clear touch-and-go 27R.
(pause)
Me: Tower, 789 going around 27R.
(pause)
Citation: Tower, Citation XXX, 6 miles out, visiual 27L.
(pause)
Tower: Okay, which aircraft is on final 27R?
Me: 789 over the numbers, going around 27R.
Cessna 456: I'm turning base for 27R.
(pause)
Tower: Cessna 789, turn crosswind now, right traffic for 27R.
Me: Okay, confirm you want me to turn in front of Cessna 123 for right
traffic 27R.
(new voice from the tower, no pause)
Tower: Skyhawk 789, continue runway heading, follow the Cessna on
crosswind, right traffic 27R.
Me: Okay, Skyhawk 789.
Tower: Cessna 456, clear touch-and-go 27R.
Cessna 456: Clear touch and go, Cessna 456.
Tower: Citation XXX, clear to land 27L, three Cessnas in the pattern on
the parallel.
Citation: We're lookin', clear to land 27L.
Tower: Skyhawk 123, you're number two, clear touch-and-go 27R.
Cessna 123: Cessna 123.

.... whereupon my instructor said to me, "Well, someone's going to get a
phone call, that first guy was the same controller who tried to kill me
yesterday."

Once I was accused of busting Class C before calling in. (I was inside
the outer ring, but under it) They didn't ask me to call the tower, but
asked where I was based. I worried for weeks about whether I was going
to hear from them.
--
Gene Seibel
Hangar 131 - http://pad39a.com/gene/plane.html
Because I fly, I envy no one.

"Gene Seibel" wrote in message
ups.com...

Once I was accused of busting Class C before calling in. (I was inside
the outer ring, but under it) They didn't ask me to call the tower, but
asked where I was based. I worried for weeks about whether I was going
to hear from them.


If you're under the outer ring just say your altitude.

On 22-Dec-2005, Ken Reed wrote:

I did three practice ILS approaches today. I got my favorite ATC
instruction on each of the first two:

1) Cirrus 0CM, slow to 110 knots for the Mooney in front of you.

2) Cirrus 0CM, slow 20 knots for the 737 ahead.

I was at 140 KIAS at the IAF each time.


Most high performance singles can go that fast on approach if you want (or
need) to. What I really like to hear (while cruising at 8000) is "Arrow
41N, you are overtaking traffic ahead. I'll need to move you to 7000 or
9000 for a few miles, your choice."

--
-Elliott Drucker