FW: Report from the front

Stole the following from a post to alt.military...

-----Original Message-----
From: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
To: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Sent: 9/22/2003 12:43 PM
Subject: FW: Report from the front



Part I
Greetings everyone! I apologize for not writing to you all for the
last few days, but I had to go away for a few days to a place where I
could not check my email. I know that makes it sound like I went
someplace cool, but as you will see that is not the case.

Before I can relate the story, I must first define a few terms for you
non-military types:

1. REMF - (remf') n. Short for Rear Echelon Mother F---er. A term used
to describe an individual deployed to the rear echelons supposedly
supporting the warfighters farther forward; rear being defined as:
a. not forward or anywhere near the front lines,
b. out of harms way, and
c. having most if not all the amenities from home.
REMFs are easily identified through the following distinguishing
features:
a. REMFs uniforms are always cleaned and pressed. No dirt or mud from
the front. (Occasionally the uniforms will carry a small sweat stain,
but only when the line to the on-base Baskin Robbins ice cream was
especially long that day.)
b. REMFs are often sunburned from spending too much time at the base
pool.
c. REMFs have their very own battle cries - similar to the "Semper
Fi!" of the US Marines or the "Huah!" of the US Army", such as (i)
"The line for the beer is too long - it sucks here!"; (ii) "The DVD
player keeps skipping - it sucks here!"; (iii) "This is a no-hat,
no-salute area."

2. CAOC - (ka' ok) n.
a. Short for Combined Air Operations Center (CAOC) - the organization
tasked with the command and control of all air and space operations in
this theater.
b. Large conglomeration of REMFs with little to no concept of how
things are actually going on the frontlines.
c. Synonym for chaos: extreme confusion or disorder.

3. Al Udeid - (al yoo deed') n.
a. US air base in Qatar.
b. Location of the Operation Enduring Freedom CAOC.
c. Home of the majority of REMFs in this theater.
d. Owner / operator of a base pool, indoor/outdoor gym, indoor/outdoor
bar and entertainment pavilion, Pizza Hut, Baskin Robins, 5 dining
facilities and multiple indoor heated shower and bathroom facilities.

4. Qatar - (gu' ter) n.
a. Oil-rich country in the Persian Gulf, adjacent to Saudi Arabia
south of Kuwait and north of UAE.
b. Host nation of Al Udeid Air Base.
c. Small country that is afraid of its larger sister country to the
west (Saudi Arabia) and so has let the US set up HQ there.

So our saga begins with my tasking to proceed to the CAOC at Al Udeid,
Qatar to brief the director, a 1-star general, on A-10 capabilities
here in paradise and ways in which we can improve the overall air
operations from our perspective. Armed with this tasking, my education
as an Air Force pilot and weapons officer, and my extensive Microsoft
PowerPoint (tm) skills, I built my presentation.

The first thing you all must know is that a Major (O-4) never gets to
brief a Brigadier General (O-7) without first presenting the briefing
to two O-5s (Lieutenant Colonels) and an O-6 (Colonel). Here is when
you learn the ugly truths about military briefings:

1. You are not smart enough to know what to brief. Even if you are the
highest qualified pilot in the unit you do not have enough experience
to properly form cohesive thoughts and bullets. For these actions, you
need an O-6.

2. You are actually giving the briefing the O-6 wants to give.
Unfortunately, he fails to provide you any guidance until you have
completed hours of preparation. During the "review" process the O-6
torpedoes your slides and you start over with the O-6 sitting a chair
next to you providing helpful and timely suggestions. Repeated
attempts of saying, "sir, do you want to just give the briefing?" go
unanswered.

3. Your choice of color, font size and bullet will be carefully
scrutinized. Apparently a little check mark is better than a dot or
square for bullets these days. I was unaware of this new Air Force
staff/ REMF requirement, thus the need for rule number one. With a
completely rewritten but O-6 approved briefing, I am ready to travel
to Al Udeid.

We'll pick up that story in Part II...

Part II

OK, so we left off with my finely tuned PowerPoint briefing and myself
awaiting transportation to the CAOC. Again, I must start off with a
few definitions:

1. Herbivore - (er be vore') n.
a. A plant eating animal.
b. A "heavy" / airlift pilot.
c. A military transport aircraft. Synonym: "grass-eater"

2. Herc - (herk') n.
a. Colloquialism for C-130 Hercules aircraft.
b. A so-called "tactical" airlift aircraft used for intra-theater
resupply, personnel movement and medical evacuation.
c. A herbivore manned by 2 pilots, a navigator, a flight engineer, and
several loadmasters.

Because of the threat potential here at Bagram, most of the herbivores
come in to graze during the night. Thus, my flight to Qatar left at
0200 (that is 2:00 am). To make things more fun, we are in blacked-out
conditions so you have to run onboard a C-130 with its engines running
and no lights on. All the flight crew is wearing full battle regalia,
to include armored vests and helmets. I poked my head in the cockpit
and the pilots are sitting there with NVGs on and hand on the
throttles ready to spring to life if the base gets attacked... Since
we live here and do not wear that much gear I find it amusing they are
that nervous.

Then I started wondering if they know something we don't...
The flight is uneventful until we get to Pakistan. As a pilot I can
sit on the flightdeck and they usually give you an extra headset to
listen to what is going on and to be able to talk with the crew. Upon
entering the cockpit, I noticed the entire crew was watching a DVD
movie on a laptop computer. I started to ask if anyone was looking
outside as we were flying under visual conditions, but opted to keep
quiet. Besides, it was a good movie - the Patriot. I take my seat in
the rear of the flightdeck when all hell breaks loose - a klaxon
starts going off with warning tones and the entire left side if the
aircraft is engulfed in an orange light.

From my perspective, it appears as though we are on fire. Fortunately,
my calm herbivore crew informs me it's the missile warning system
jettisoning protection flares - the system is just malfunctioning. "It
does that..." they assure me. The weapons officer side of me is now
curious - "what type of system are you using?" I ask. Blank stares.
"What types of flares do you have?" More blank stares. "Uh, we're not
sure," they respond. "I think the Chief knows but he's asleep." So we
go back to watching our DVD with the knowledge that (i) we do not know
how our protection system works, and (ii) it's not a problem because
we are over the "friendly" nation of Pakistan!

Very reassuring.

We land uneventfully in Qatar six hours later. We actually land in
Doha, another US air base co- located with an international airport.
From here we have to take ground transportation to Al Udeid. We jump
in a Nissan Pathfinder, the SUV of choice in Qatar, and make our way
to the CAOC.

Qatar is like every other middle eastern country I've been to: all new
roads, lots of BMWs, and thousands of stores selling gold, jewelry,
rugs and furniture. The odd part is seeing the odd Kentucky Fried
Chicken or Taco Bell restaurant; wouldn't think those would be big
hits here. Along the way our driver realizes he has left his ID on the
roof and pulls the SUV off the road - instantly you can tell the
passengers that came from Afghanistan as they tuck into a ball and
wince-you do not EVER pull off a road over there. But, no land mines
in Qatar, so we proceed onto the base.

All joking aside, Al Udeid is everything you would expect of a new
airbase. Impressive. Everything new and well-built. We pull into the
living area of the base and there are literally hundreds of new tents.
We enter the billeting tent... now at this point I have bags in both
hands, I am unarmed and my hat is still on. This is important, because
within the first 5 minutes of being on a REMF base, a REMF tells me,
"Sir, I need you to take your hat off inside." Had I BEEN armed, I
would have shot her. Welcome to the rear echelon.

Surprisingly, the REMFs are well organized and inprocessing takes only
a few minutes. We are assigned transient quarters (a tent of our own)
and the most important document you need at Al Udeid - the beer ration
card.

This all-powerful piece of paper entitles you to three malted
beverages per day. I wept. We stowed our gear in our tents then went
over to the "pavilion." In a word, "pavilion" best describes the
differences between Bagram and the rear echelon. The pavilion is a
huge covered outdoor entertainment area. It has tables and chairs for
200-300 people, and sits adjacent the base pool, an indoor/outdoor gym
and fitness center, a recreation center with morale computers and DVD
players, an entertainment soundstage, and the indoor/outdoor bar.
Amazing. We saddle up to the bar, present our ration card, and (no
surprises here) I order up a Guinness.

For the next 2 hours, I savored my three beers and relaxed in the
warmth of the 85 degree sunny weather. I even considered becoming a
REMF... until I heard one complain that the line for beer was too
long and how bad it "sucked" at Al Udeid. Again, had I been armed I
would've shot him. Fortunately for him my aim would have been bad
anyway since I haven't had a beer in awhile...

Part III - the briefing.

So I left off enjoying my three beers at Al Udeid. Once again, before
I can continue I need to provide a few more definitions/cast of
characters:

1. Close Air Support (CAS): The Lord's work. Doing whatever is
required to protect friendly forces engaged with the enemy. An
extremely complicated, communications intensive mission. Only the A-10
and AC-130 are recognized CAS experts as we are the only pilots who
train for CAS on a regular basis in the Air Force.

2. Troops-in-Contact (TIC): Worst case scenario for CAS pilots.
Friendly troops are engaged with and in close proximity ( 1km) to the
enemy. When this happens, special procedures apply and time is
critical, for obvious reasons.

3. Big Board: In the CAOC, there is a multi-story room that houses
operations. Large projection systems show ongoing operations on huge
screens that can be read by everyone in the room. If you have ever
seen the movie Wargames, that is exactly what it looks like. These
boards combined are referred to as the Big Board. Again, all joking
aside the facility is impressive.

4. CAOC Director: A brigadier general (also known as an O-7 or a
'1-star') in charge of the CAOC, who oversees all the air and space
operations in this theater. Generally referred to as "the Man." In a
rare occurrence (the planets must have misaligned), our current
director is a former A-10 pilot!

5. Chief of Current Operations (CCO): Usually a lieutenant colonel
(also known as an O-5). Subordinate to the director. Facilitates
ongoing air operations by moving aircraft to the wrong areas, denying
requests to descend to lower altitudes, and giving crystal clear
instructions like, "request you notify the CAOC if there is an
impending Troops-in-Contact."(OK, we'll ask the enemy to give us a 5
minute heads up when they are getting ready to attack so we can
pre-coordinate with you...). In a word--"middle management"
Theoretically, CCO are (former) pilots and equally qualified for the
job. However, there are really four types of CCO:
a. Herbivore CCO. Stare at the big board in the CAOC in amazement that
all of these aircraft can move freely without the assistance of a
navigator. Fun to work with because they have no idea what you are
talking about and will agree to whatever you want as long as you sound
convincing. Easy to identify as they will start their sentences with
"you know, I'm a pilot too..."
b. Bomber CCO. Dropped a few GPS bombs during Operation Anaconda and
now consider themselves to be CAS experts. They see no problem of
assigning a B-1 to do helicopter escort from 25,000 feet with a
weather deck at 5,000 feet. Very difficult to work with during TICs
because they cannot fathom that targets actually move. Also easy to
identify as they end all their sentences with, "and if all else fails,
we have B-52s with 'weather-friendly' GPS bombs on board..."
c. Fighter CCO. Read about CAS once at Air Command and Staff College.
A complete pain to work with as they have no idea what they are doing
but as fighter pilots cannot admit it. Avoid controversial decisions
as they may impede progression onto Colonel. Difficult to identify
until they say something like, " You know, I did CAS once over
Kosovo..."
d. Attack CCO. The perfect combination of experience and
aggressiveness. The ideal leadership for the CAS war in Afghanistan.
Impossible to identify as they do not exist - those few A-10 pilots
fortunate enough to make Lt Col are delegated subordinate duties to
the CCO or assigned to more glorious assignments on the front lines.
e. JAG:
(i) Acronym for Judge Advocate General.
(ii). A "combat" lawyer who sits beside "the Man" and advises him on
all things legal.
(iii) Responsible for the theater Rules of Engagement (ROE) and
ensuring they are at least 300 pages, are riddled with legalese,
double-talk and contradictory statements so pilots can always be found
in violation just for taking off...
(iv) A REALLY bad television show on CBS with a cute Marine lawyer.

Now armed with the requisite knowledge of the players, the story
continues....

Life for CAOC REMFs is an arduous cycle of eating, briefing, eating,
briefing, drinking their beer ration and sleeping. Many have taken to
the notion that if you sleep 12 hours a day, you cut your tour in
half. We joined up with the night shift as that is when "the Man"
works. Our evening began at 2300 (11 pm) with midnight chow. To ensure
all the REMFs are happy, there are two food lines: one for those who
want "dinner" fare, and one for those who want "breakfast." No lunch
food at 2300 - sorry! And you cannot get made-to-order omelets at this
meal either, which was a real disappointment.

Post midnight meal we make our way to the CAOC. I cannot adequately
describe the impression you get when you enter the building. I know my
emails are riddled with sarcasm, but in all honesty it is one of the
most impressive facilities I have ever seen. The Air Force had the
luxury of building this facility before any personnel were assigned,
and they did it right. State of the art technology. Taxpayers
everywhere should be proud!

OK back to the sarcasm...

For obvious reasons I cannot discuss much of what goes on or
information that is displayed. However, one of the most humorous
things I noticed was the Predator video. For those not familiar, the
Predator is an Unmanned Aerial Vehicle (UAV). The concept is that in
situations that may be hazardous to pilots and more expensive
aircraft, the CAOC will send in a UAV to search and identify targets
or threats, and it provides real-time assessment of airstrike success
and failures. In reality, however, UAVs like the Predator allow the
CCO to see what is going on real-time without asking troublesome
pilots directly for information.

This produces three less-than-desirable outcomes:
(1) the CAOC is reluctant to conduct operations without a Predator on
station,
(2) they move the Predator right in the middle of where the real
aircraft are working to watch what is going on which impedes the
Lord's work, and
(3) the Predator video is like crack for the REMFs - watching the
video feed empowers them with the feeling they are directly fighting
the war.

The CAOC is very protective of its Predators. One night the weather
was completely awful, and we asked the CCO to weather cancel our
fighters, or at least put them on weather hold. The CCO denied the
request, stating that the Army needed our support, and by-God, he was
going to support them (fighter guy - no controversial decisions). So
we launched into some really bad weather. Mind you, we could not see
the ground and could not have done anything even if we needed to. A
short time later, the Predators asked to weather cancel.

The response was, and I am not making this up, "Weather cancel
approved. You guys are too valuable to risk on a night like this."
So, our life value is something less than a large balsa wood model
with a snowboard engine and a television camera. That will not play
well with my life insurance agency.

Anyway, back to the video. While I was at the CAOC the weather was
unusually bad and the Predators were not flying. However, their video
feed was still being displayed on the Big Board - pictures from inside
the hanger, sitting on the ramp, out on the taxiway, etc. Why? No
idea. But I look at it as something akin to smokers trying to quit
who pick up used cigarette butts to try and get a final hit - they
just can't help it.

So we get inside the CAOC and my initial excitement fades as we attend
the first of series of long, useless briefings on the next day's Air
Attack Plan. First, there is the "pre-brief" where we review the
"brief." Perhaps brief is the wrong noun because no one actually says
anything. In reality, the "briefer" simply presses the "next" key and
the audience stares vacantly at the presentation. Occasionally there
is a "no changes" or "same as yesterday" comment, but whenever there
is a "any questions?" the silence is deafening. Upon completion, we
move to a larger room for the "brief" where the exercise is repeated,
only the average rank of the audience has increased by a factor of
two. Upon completion of the "brief" the plan is approved, everyone
congratulates themselves on a job well done and heads off to
breakfast. And it's only 4:00 am. The lesson learned here is who ever
prepares the "pre-brief" slides is, by default, running the entire air
war in Afghanistan...

So after breakfast (they do make made-to-order omelets at this meal!)
we head back and brief "the Man." For all my whining and sarcasm over
the last few emails, the brief goes extremely well. The general
concurred with most of our recommendations and was glad we took the
time to come brief him.

Mission accomplished! All the pain was worthwhile, we are
victorious!!!! Then, unthinkably, "the Man" asks the JAG for
comments. The JAG announces he is "uncomfortable" with two of our
suggestions which now means I have to produce two background papers on
the topics for his review prior to their implementation. Strike 1.
Then more of our recommendations are staffed to the CCO for review.
Strike 2. Our final recommendation is staffed to the herbivore rep as
it deals with air refueling. Any guesses? Strike 3. We'll see - he's
still reviewing it, but he is "uncomfortable" with the proposal -
stole that legal term from the JAG. Another background paper and more
wasted time. When it is all said and done we'll be lucky if we get 25%
of what we recommended, but for the Air Force that is a victory.
Unfortunately, that 25% victory will take 6 months to implement...

Fortunately, it is a new day and I have three beers on my ration card.
After that, we have to head back to Afghanistan, which I'll save for

Part IV.

-----

-Jeff B.
yeff at erols dot com

On Fri, 26 Sep 2003 14:35:58 GMT, Yeff wrote:

[major snippage]

I love this stuff which shows how the military never changes - an Army
helicopter pilot I know e-mailed me from the big sand box and was
telling me how the REMFs have decreed that they aren't allowed to
drive tactical vehicles at rear-area posts, and how much of the stuff
at these rear-area HQs operate on banker's hours.

John Hairell )