Attn MXSMANIC

I have had this lying around for some time, I thought it might resonate with
the village idiot.

FRANCE

The following advice for American travellers going to France was compiled
from information provided by the US State Department, the CIA, the US
Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centres for
Disease Control, and some very expensive spy satellites that the French
don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travellers only.

General Overview
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of
Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly
as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and
some smaller nations of no particular consequence and with not very good
shopping.

France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and
EuroDisney. Among its contributions to western civilisation are champagne,
Camembert cheese and the guillotine. Although France likes to think of
itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to
impossible for Americans to get decent Mexican food. One continuing
exasperation for American visitors is that local people insist on speaking
in French, though many will speak English if shouted at. Watch your money at
all times.

The People
France has a population of 54 million people. 51 million of these people
drink and smoke, (the other 3 million are small children). All French people
drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of
standing patiently in a queue. The French people are in general gloomy,
temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined; and those are
their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would
hardly guess it from their behaviour. Many people are communists. Men
sometimes have girls' names like Marie or Michel, and they kiss each other
when they meet. American travellers are advised to travel in groups and to
wear baseball caps and colourful trousers for easier mutual recognition.

Safety
In general, France is a safe destination, although travellers must be aware
that from time to time it is invaded by Germany. Traditionally the French
surrender immediately and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky
and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices,
life for the American visitor generally goes on much as before.A tunnel
connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in
recent years to make it easier for the French Government to flee to London
during future German invasions.

History
France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important
historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques
Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now
an airport.


Government
The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held
more or less continuously, and always result in a draw. The French love
administration so for government purposes the country is divided into
regions, departments, districts' municipalities, towns, communes, villages,
cafes, and telephone kiosks. Each of these has its own government and
elections. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though,
confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either
Gaullists or communists, neither of whom should be trusted by the Traveller.

Parliament's principal occupation is setting off atomic bombs in the South
Pacific and acting indignant and surprised when other countries complain.
According to the most current American State Department intelligence, the
President now is someone named Jacques. Further information is not available
at this time.

Culture
The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see
why. All their music sounds the same, and they have never made a movie that
you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes.

Cuisine
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a
slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent,
though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. In
general, travellers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers.

Economy
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in
Europe, which is surprising because the French people hardly work at all. If
they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and
blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal
exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons,
perfume, guided missiles, champagne, guns, grenade launchers, land mines,
tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.


Public Holidays

France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its 361
national holidays a
* 197 saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days,
* 16 Declaration of Republic Days,
* 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if he Won the War
single-handed Days,
* 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile Days,
* 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and
* 112 "France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish" Days.

Other important holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day (January 12), the
Feast of St. Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and National Guillotine Day
(November 12). Bastille Day is July 14. (or as the French would say, "14
July").

Conclusion
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a
temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it was not
inhabited by French people. The best thing that can be said for France is
that it is not Germany.

Barney Rubble wrote:

....snip historical view of Gallic country...

I love a good France story, but that was tops..