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  #1  
Old September 7th 05, 04:47 AM
ORVAL FAIRAIRN
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Tools

I got this one from a friend. How true!


Thought you might enjoy these. They are RIGHT on the mark!



a.* DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against

that
freshly painted part you were drying.

b.* WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light.* Also removes fingerprint
whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you

to
say, "Ouch...."

c.* ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in

their
holes until you die of old age


d.* PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

e.* HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle.* It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

f.* VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads.* If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to

the
palm of your hand.

g.* OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire.
Also handy for igniting the grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to
get the bearing race out of.

h.* WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or

1/2
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

i.* HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the

ground
after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.

j.* EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile
upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

k.* TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

l.* PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.

m.* SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool

for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-do off your boot.

n.* E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt

holes
and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

o.* TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the

tensile
strength of bolts and fuel lines you may have forgotten to
disconnect.

p.CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the

end
without the handle.

q.AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

r.* TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth.
Sometimes called drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the
sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at
night.* Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt
light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might

be
used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge.
More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

s.PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,
as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

t.AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a

coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts last tightened 70 years ago by someone at Ford, and rounds
them off.

u.PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

v.HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

w.HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays

is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from
the object we are trying to hit.

x.MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly

well
on boxes containing seats, chrome and plastic parts.

Ads
  #2  
Old September 7th 05, 05:13 AM
Mike Rapoport
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default

It is a different size standard. There is SAE, Metric and Whitworth.

Mike
MU-2


"Morgans" wrote in message
...

"ORVAL FAIRAIRN" wrote

h. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or

1/2
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.



I am not familiar with the Whitworth socket. What is the significance, as
used here?
--
Jim in NC



  #3  
Old September 7th 05, 05:57 AM
Morgans
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default


"ORVAL FAIRAIRN" wrote

h. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or

1/2
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.



I am not familiar with the Whitworth socket. What is the significance, as
used here?
--
Jim in NC

  #4  
Old September 7th 05, 07:13 AM
Bart D. Hull
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default

They were used on English cars and motorcycles.
The "size" of the wrench was based on the diameter of the
stud size that the nut fit. (Typical bass-awkwards English
idea.) A 1/4" Whitworth was about 9/16" or a little larger
in true OD measurement of the flats on the nut. They had
fine and coarse thread as well.

Biggest PITA was BSA motorcycle cylinder nuts. They were
8pt 1/4 or 3/8 Whitworth. You had to have the correct wrench
or they rounded like butter. Most Whitworth wrenches I saw
were only open jaw, not box ends, but maybe that's all that
made it to the U.S.

I'm not a old fart either. My parents owned a British,
Italian, German motorcycle shop. (We worked on ANYTHING!)
Lots of "what the heck is this", but it was interesting.

Scariest part was when MG's had American, Metric and
Whitworth. Nothing sucks more than trying to figure out what
wrench to use on what parts when your fiddleing in the dark
(remember they used Lucas electics!!!) I'd love to punch the
engineer that said "but my part of the car is (fill in the
blank with Metric, SAE, or Whitworth.)

Then to top it off, depending on what year the MG was, it
was positive or negative ground. Look at the alt wiring
BEFORE you connect those cables.

Just give me a standard and STICK WITH IT!

Rant off

Bart D. Hull

Tempe, Arizona

Check
http://www.inficad.com/~bdhull/engine.html
for my Subaru Engine Conversion
Check http://www.inficad.com/~bdhull/fuselage.html
for Tango II I'm building.

Remove -nospam to reply via email.

Morgans wrote:
"Mike Rapoport" wrote in message
ink.net...

It is a different size standard. There is SAE, Metric and Whitworth.

Mike
MU-2



*That* is one little fact that I could have gone my whole life without
knowing. g On the otherhand.... Another whole set of tools to buy! :-)
or :-( Hummm.

What is the basis of the sizes? (if you know what I mean)

What kind of beasts are (or were) they used on?

  #5  
Old September 7th 05, 07:45 AM
Morgans
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default


"Mike Rapoport" wrote in message
ink.net...
It is a different size standard. There is SAE, Metric and Whitworth.

Mike
MU-2


*That* is one little fact that I could have gone my whole life without
knowing. g On the otherhand.... Another whole set of tools to buy! :-)
or :-( Hummm.

What is the basis of the sizes? (if you know what I mean)

What kind of beasts are (or were) they used on?
--
Jim in NC

  #6  
Old September 7th 05, 12:55 PM
Blue
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default

Bloody Brilliant, cried with laughter....

--

Regards

Blue


"ORVAL FAIRAIRN" wrote in message
news
I got this one from a friend. How true!


Thought you might enjoy these. They are RIGHT on the mark!



a. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against

that
freshly painted part you were drying.

b. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint
whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you

to
say, "Ouch...."

c. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in

their
holes until you die of old age


d. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

e. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

f. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to

the
palm of your hand.

g. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire.
Also handy for igniting the grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to
get the bearing race out of.

h. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or

1/2
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

i. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the

ground
after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.

j. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile
upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

k. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

l. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.

m. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool

for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-do off your boot.

n. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt

holes
and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

o. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the

tensile
strength of bolts and fuel lines you may have forgotten to
disconnect.

p.CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the

end
without the handle.

q.AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

r. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth.
Sometimes called drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the
sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at
night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt
light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might

be
used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge.
More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

s.PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,
as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

t.AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a

coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts last tightened 70 years ago by someone at Ford, and rounds
them off.

u.PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

v.HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

w.HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays

is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from
the object we are trying to hit.

x.MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly

well
on boxes containing seats, chrome and plastic parts.



  #7  
Old September 7th 05, 03:51 PM
jerry wass
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default

Bart D. Hull wrote:
They were used on English cars and motorcycles.
The "size" of the wrench was based on the diameter of the stud size that
the nut fit. (Typical bass-awkwards English idea.) A 1/4" Whitworth was
about 9/16" or a little larger
in true OD measurement of the flats on the nut. They had
fine and coarse thread as well.

Biggest PITA was BSA motorcycle cylinder nuts. They were
8pt 1/4 or 3/8 Whitworth. You had to have the correct wrench or they
rounded like butter. Most Whitworth wrenches I saw were only open jaw,
not box ends, but maybe that's all that made it to the U.S.

I'm not a old fart either. My parents owned a British, Italian, German
motorcycle shop. (We worked on ANYTHING!)
Lots of "what the heck is this", but it was interesting.

Scariest part was when MG's had American, Metric and Whitworth. Nothing
sucks more than trying to figure out what wrench to use on what parts
when your fiddleing in the dark (remember they used Lucas electics!!!)
I'd love to punch the engineer that said "but my part of the car is
(fill in the blank with Metric, SAE, or Whitworth.)

Then to top it off, depending on what year the MG was, it was positive
or negative ground. Look at the alt wiring BEFORE you connect those cables.

Just give me a standard and STICK WITH IT!

Rant off

Bart D. Hull

Tempe, Arizona

Check
http://www.inficad.com/~bdhull/engine.html
for my Subaru Engine Conversion
Check http://www.inficad.com/~bdhull/fuselage.html
for Tango II I'm building.

Remove -nospam to reply via email.

Morgans wrote:

"Mike Rapoport" wrote in message
ink.net...

It is a different size standard. There is SAE, Metric and Whitworth.

Mike
MU-2




*That* is one little fact that I could have gone my whole life without
knowing. g On the otherhand.... Another whole set of tools to buy!
:-)
or :-( Hummm.

What is the basis of the sizes? (if you know what I mean)

What kind of beasts are (or were) they used on?


Rite purty set-up---why'd the leave one groove out of the 10 groove
V-belt pulley----Alignment??Jerry
  #8  
Old September 7th 05, 06:02 PM
Anthony W
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default

Richard Riley wrote:
On Wed, 07 Sep 2005 03:47:29 GMT, ORVAL FAIRAIRN
wrote:

:I got this one from a friend. How true!
:
:
:Thought you might enjoy these. They are RIGHT on the mark!

But is a list of useless tools complete without Juan?


But juan isn't a tool, he's a knob and a useless one at that.

Tony
  #9  
Old September 7th 05, 06:08 PM
Stuart & Kathryn Fields
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default


Don't forget the dreaded C clamp that requires two hands to apply to two
pieces already requiring two hands to hold in place.
Also the uncalibrated torque wrench used to snap off studs that are
thoroughly seized in your crankcase.
The nibbler that is designed to swell your forearm to a new size while it
digests the skin in the web of your hand between the thumb and forefinger.
All of the Tools are necessary items in the Post Doctoral course in cussing.
I now attract a small crowd when I'm working with my tools. They are
thoroughly impressed that I can cuss for 15 minutes without repeating
myself.
--
Stuart Fields
Experimental Helo magazine

"Blue" wrote in message
u...
Bloody Brilliant, cried with laughter....

--

Regards

Blue


"ORVAL FAIRAIRN" wrote in message
news
I got this one from a friend. How true!


Thought you might enjoy these. They are RIGHT on the mark!



a. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against

that
freshly painted part you were drying.

b. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint
whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you

to
say, "Ouch...."

c. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in

their
holes until you die of old age


d. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

e. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

f. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to

the
palm of your hand.

g. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire.
Also handy for igniting the grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to
get the bearing race out of.

h. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or

1/2
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

i. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the

ground
after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.

j. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile
upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

k. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

l. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.

m. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool

for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-do off your boot.

n. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt

holes
and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

o. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the

tensile
strength of bolts and fuel lines you may have forgotten to
disconnect.

p.CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the

end
without the handle.

q.AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

r. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth.
Sometimes called drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the
sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at
night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt
light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might

be
used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge.
More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

s.PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,
as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

t.AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a

coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts last tightened 70 years ago by someone at Ford, and rounds
them off.

u.PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

v.HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

w.HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays

is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from
the object we are trying to hit.

x.MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly

well
on boxes containing seats, chrome and plastic parts.





  #10  
Old September 7th 05, 10:26 PM
Morgans
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default


"Stuart & Kathryn Fields" wrote

I now attract a small crowd when I'm working with my tools. They are
thoroughly impressed that I can cuss for 15 minutes without repeating
myself.


ROTFLMAO ! I have to use that line, with your permission! It sounds like
me.

I recently topped my best, by shooting a air powered roofing nail, all the
way through my little finger, on the outside of my fingernail, coming out
the middle of the bottom. Ouch!
--
Jim in NC

 




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