How Aircraft Stay In The Air

I received this today:-

There are still people in this company who think we weigh aircraft to find
out how much they weigh, not to calculate stresses. Of course we need to
know how much the thing weighs. How are we ever going to know how many
Thrust Pixies we need to get the thing off the ground if we don't know the
weight? Or should that be "Lift Demons"? Pixies have largely fallen into
disrepute - something about Bernoulli not being representative in unbounded
conditions and cause and effect being transposed in the Newtonian model.

In fact the use of Lift Demons on civil aircraft programmes is generally not
that good an idea. The Demon binding contract tends to specify payment in
blood or souls. This is readily achievable with aircraft of military
function, but frowned upon in civilian circles as they may attempt to
acquire payment outside of the terms of their binding contract. Lift Demons
are not used on Elf bombers. We don't talk about Lift Pixies too often as it
seems to upset the self-loading cargo.

Pixies require payment in cakes, flowers or nice thoughts. These are readily
sourced either from the in-flight catering, or provided cost-free by the
passengers. Clearly this would not work well within an operational military
environment. Air force cooking is not renowned for the "light and fluffy
texture" that Thrust Pixies demand, the availability of flowers might be
problematic in desert operations, and nice thoughts may also be hard to find
during times of active operations.

There is also a scalability issue. While one rampant Lift Demon would have
few problems supporting a fighter aircraft (particularly if there is an
immediate prospect of blood), it'll struggle to achieve level controlled
flight of a 560tonne Airbus A380. Use of more than one Lift Demon on the
same flight vehicle is contra-indicated (they squabble and eat each other).
Communities of Thrust Pixies can be encouraged to work together on the same
aircraft by the provision of advanced technologies such as Lemon fondant
icing, variegated tulips or in-flight romantic comedies.

Ryanair once requested Leprachauns be installed in place of Lift Pixies, but
leprechauns have a mission statement which indicates their desire for
monetary gain, and their willingness to search all over the world for it.
This makes Lift Leprechauns expensive to keep (gold vs lemon fondant icing),
and makes it difficult to establish a regular route network as the Lift
Leprechauns don't like to continuously visit the same locations. By law,
aircraft also have to have a full complement of In-Flight Gremlins, but
these are generally not a problem unless you feed the Wingtip Vortex Faeries
after midnight.


--
Sarah H
http://www.messybeast.com
http://www.shartwell.freeserve.co.uk...-site/aeth.htm
Aethism - a religion for the 21st Century

In ,
Sarah Hotdesking radiated
into the WorldWideWait:

I received this today:-

There are still people in this company who think we weigh aircraft
to find out how much they weigh, not to calculate stresses. Of
course we need to know how much the thing weighs. How are we ever
going to know how many Thrust Pixies we need to get the thing off
the ground if we don't know the weight? Or should that be "Lift
Demons"? Pixies have largely fallen into disrepute - something
about Bernoulli not being representative in unbounded conditions
and cause and effect being transposed in the Newtonian model.

In fact the use of Lift Demons on civil aircraft programmes is
generally not that good an idea. The Demon binding contract tends
to specify payment in blood or souls. This is readily achievable
with aircraft of military function, but frowned upon in civilian
circles as they may attempt to acquire payment outside of the terms
of their binding contract. Lift Demons are not used on Elf bombers.
We don't talk about Lift Pixies too often as it seems to upset the
self-loading cargo.

Pixies require payment in cakes, flowers or nice thoughts. These
are readily sourced either from the in-flight catering, or provided
cost-free by the passengers. Clearly this would not work well
within an operational military environment. Air force cooking is
not renowned for the "light and fluffy texture" that Thrust Pixies
demand, the availability of flowers might be problematic in desert
operations, and nice thoughts may also be hard to find during times
of active operations.

There is also a scalability issue. While one rampant Lift Demon
would have few problems supporting a fighter aircraft (particularly
if there is an immediate prospect of blood), it'll struggle to
achieve level controlled flight of a 560tonne Airbus A380. Use of
more than one Lift Demon on the same flight vehicle is
contra-indicated (they squabble and eat each other). Communities of
Thrust Pixies can be encouraged to work together on the same
aircraft by the provision of advanced technologies such as Lemon
fondant icing, variegated tulips or in-flight romantic comedies.

Ryanair once requested Leprachauns be installed in place of Lift
Pixies, but leprechauns have a mission statement which indicates
their desire for monetary gain, and their willingness to search all
over the world for it. This makes Lift Leprechauns expensive to
keep (gold vs lemon fondant icing), and makes it difficult to
establish a regular route network as the Lift Leprechauns don't
like to continuously visit the same locations. By law, aircraft
also have to have a full complement of In-Flight Gremlins, but
these are generally not a problem unless you feed the Wingtip
Vortex Faeries after midnight.

Uh-huh. Oookaayyy...
--
From the one-and-only Holy Moses®

"Sarah Hotdesking" wrote in
message ...
I received this today:-

There are still people in this company who think we weigh aircraft to find
out how much they weigh, not to calculate stresses. Of course we need to
know how much the thing weighs. How are we ever going to know how many
Thrust Pixies we need to get the thing off the ground if we don't know the
weight? Or should that be "Lift Demons"? Pixies have largely fallen into
disrepute - something about Bernoulli not being representative in
unbounded
conditions and cause and effect being transposed in the Newtonian model.

Yes, Bernoilli's fairy tale is going the way of the law of the wall.

In fact the use of Lift Demons on civil aircraft programmes is generally
not
that good an idea. The Demon binding contract tends to specify payment in
blood or souls. This is readily achievable with aircraft of military
function, but frowned upon in civilian circles as they may attempt to
acquire payment outside of the terms of their binding contract. Lift
Demons
are not used on Elf bombers. We don't talk about Lift Pixies too often as
it
seems to upset the self-loading cargo.

Modern designers use lift fairies and avoid the whole contraversy.

Pixies require payment in cakes, flowers or nice thoughts. These are
readily
sourced either from the in-flight catering, or provided cost-free by the
passengers. Clearly this would not work well within an operational
military
environment. Air force cooking is not renowned for the "light and fluffy
texture" that Thrust Pixies demand, the availability of flowers might be
problematic in desert operations, and nice thoughts may also be hard to
find
during times of active operations.

Lift fairies however come in a less benevolent caste.

There is also a scalability issue. While one rampant Lift Demon would have
few problems supporting a fighter aircraft (particularly if there is an
immediate prospect of blood), it'll struggle to achieve level controlled
flight of a 560tonne Airbus A380. Use of more than one Lift Demon on the
same flight vehicle is contra-indicated (they squabble and eat each
other).
Communities of Thrust Pixies can be encouraged to work together on the
same
aircraft by the provision of advanced technologies such as Lemon fondant
icing, variegated tulips or in-flight romantic comedies.

The problem today is how to get 707 lift fairies at a resonable price. Many
of these older aircraft specific fairies have become rare, if not
unavailable.

Ryanair once requested Leprachauns be installed in place of Lift Pixies,
but
leprechauns have a mission statement which indicates their desire for
monetary gain, and their willingness to search all over the world for it.

Leprachauns can't fly, so Ryanair got scammed.

This makes Lift Leprechauns expensive to keep (gold vs lemon fondant
icing),
and makes it difficult to establish a regular route network as the Lift
Leprechauns don't like to continuously visit the same locations. By law,
aircraft also have to have a full complement of In-Flight Gremlins, but
these are generally not a problem unless you feed the Wingtip Vortex
Faeries
after midnight.

The Leprechauns are scamming you.

"Sarah Hotdesking" wrote in
message ...
I received this today:-

There are still people in this company who think we weigh aircraft to find
out how much they weigh, not to calculate stresses. Of course we need to
know how much the thing weighs. How are we ever going to know how many
Thrust Pixies we need to get the thing off the ground if we don't know the
weight? Or should that be "Lift Demons"? Pixies have largely fallen into
disrepute - something about Bernoulli not being representative in
unbounded
conditions and cause and effect being transposed in the Newtonian model.

Many (most) Navy pilots claim that black air has no lift, which means they
can get all night in to supplement their daytime naps between meals. This
shows that Lift Demons are not nocturnal. Thrust Pixies may be what is
needed. OTOH, would they be any use in getting Air Force maritime patrol
aircraft to stop reaching "prudent limit of endurance" by 1400 Local every
Friday just after reporting a "possible intruder" submarine in the exercise
area, and not be restored to flying status till Monday am, while the ships
stay out over the weekend looking for the "intruder"? Is there such a
thing as a Thrust Demon for them?

Regards,
Barry

"BF Lake" wrote in message
news:9cL%b.628439$X%5.218514@pd7tw2no...

"Sarah Hotdesking" wrote in
message ...

How are we ever going to know how many
Thrust Pixies we need to get the thing off the ground if we don't know
the
weight? Or should that be "Lift Demons"?


Is there such a thing as a Thrust Demon for them?

No. Lift Demons eat Thrust Pixies and their genietic material is
incompatible so there are no hybrid Thrust Demons.

Further news from Djinn's Defence Weekly:-
Sultan Investing Heavily in Arabian Carpet Bombers
The Sultan's Chief of Airborne Warfare is investigating the concept of
"carpet bombing". This required adapting the standard Abdullah SR-6 Light
Reconnaissance Flying Carpet to carry and deploy two "Insh-Allah" 20 pound
anti-infidel bombs. In desert trials, several palm trees were successfully
destroyed by the one-man Abdullah SR-6; however the small size has proven a
limiting factor on the number of missiles which can be carried and the
leading tassels need to be redesigned for greater carpet stability.

The Sultan has therefore commissioned a study into use of two man carpets
e.g. the Arabian Carpet 130 (AC-130) carrying stand-off missiles with infra
red guidance systems. This carpet will have trailing tassels only, a gently
furled front edge with innovative carpet-swept corners with twin Carpet
Beater propulsion system.

Meanwhile, the Grand Vizier, Ahmed bed Linen, has been working on blanket
bombing using the B-52 Security Blanket; undyed honeycomb weave, 100% pure
new wool, stealth shielded blanket. This has a fully "pull up over the face"
protection system.

Until now, Arabian flying carpets have been woven purely for civil and
commercial uses. These include the fast and flashy "Fatwa" beloved of boy
racers; the family-sized "Genie" with twin-tassel suspension system for a
smoother ride, tow-bar for throw rug trailer, under-carpet luggage stowage
compartment and under-front-furl drinks holders; the sixteen-seater
"Axe-Mincer" used mainly as an inter-oasis Company Carpet; the Cargo Carpet
and the "Jumbo Jihad" passenger carpet (variants of which are used as cargo
planes).
--
Sarah H
http://www.shartwell.freeserve.co.uk...ite/djinn.html

Djinn's Defence Weekly

"Sarah Hotdesking" wrote in
message ...
I received this today:-

There are still people in this company who think we weigh aircraft to find
out how much they weigh, not to calculate stresses. Of course we need to
know how much the thing weighs. How are we ever going to know how many
Thrust Pixies we need to get the thing off the ground if we don't know the
weight? Or should that be "Lift Demons"? Pixies have largely fallen into
disrepute - something about Bernoulli not being representative in
unbounded
conditions and cause and effect being transposed in the Newtonian model.


I have it on fair authority that current research in the field of inertia
free propulsion has shown great promise through the use of properly modified
felines.
As I understand it, jelly (flavor not specified) is spread evenly over the
felines back.
When the creature is tossed lightly into the air, the third
law of universal fate dictates that it land jelly side down.
However this does not occur due to the intervention of the feline landing
axiom (feet first).
The above conflicting forces result in a stable hover.
The subject felines have demonstrated the ability to control their own
velocity at will.
The only loose ends delaying the full commercialization of this process is
the matter of persuading the felines to:
a. work in teams.
b. not lick off the jelly.
c. follow a flight plan.
As there seems to be a deficiency in feline herding instincts, any
suggestions would be appreciated by the parties involved.

Jim E

How did this secret information make it into the public domain? I've
been a practicing Aircraft Performance Engineer for the past 26 years
and have always tried to explain how airplanes fly by using the official
public explanations regarding Bernoulli, airfoils and other such rot.
Civilians just weren't ready for the truth. In fact, we generally don't
speak about the magic directly. Most of our plans and estimates usually
end with the phrase "and then a miracle happens".

Mike Lechnar

Sarah Hotdesking wrote:

I received this today:-

There are still people in this company who think we weigh aircraft to find
out how much they weigh, not to calculate stresses. Of course we need to
know how much the thing weighs. How are we ever going to know how many
Thrust Pixies we need to get the thing off the ground if we don't know the
weight? Or should that be "Lift Demons"? Pixies have largely fallen into
disrepute - something about Bernoulli not being representative in unbounded
conditions and cause and effect being transposed in the Newtonian model.

In fact the use of Lift Demons on civil aircraft programmes is generally not
that good an idea. The Demon binding contract tends to specify payment in
blood or souls. This is readily achievable with aircraft of military
function, but frowned upon in civilian circles as they may attempt to
acquire payment outside of the terms of their binding contract. Lift Demons
are not used on Elf bombers. We don't talk about Lift Pixies too often as it
seems to upset the self-loading cargo.

Pixies require payment in cakes, flowers or nice thoughts. These are readily
sourced either from the in-flight catering, or provided cost-free by the
passengers. Clearly this would not work well within an operational military
environment. Air force cooking is not renowned for the "light and fluffy
texture" that Thrust Pixies demand, the availability of flowers might be
problematic in desert operations, and nice thoughts may also be hard to find
during times of active operations.

There is also a scalability issue. While one rampant Lift Demon would have
few problems supporting a fighter aircraft (particularly if there is an
immediate prospect of blood), it'll struggle to achieve level controlled
flight of a 560tonne Airbus A380. Use of more than one Lift Demon on the
same flight vehicle is contra-indicated (they squabble and eat each other).
Communities of Thrust Pixies can be encouraged to work together on the same
aircraft by the provision of advanced technologies such as Lemon fondant
icing, variegated tulips or in-flight romantic comedies.

Ryanair once requested Leprachauns be installed in place of Lift Pixies, but
leprechauns have a mission statement which indicates their desire for
monetary gain, and their willingness to search all over the world for it.
This makes Lift Leprechauns expensive to keep (gold vs lemon fondant icing),
and makes it difficult to establish a regular route network as the Lift
Leprechauns don't like to continuously visit the same locations. By law,
aircraft also have to have a full complement of In-Flight Gremlins, but
these are generally not a problem unless you feed the Wingtip Vortex Faeries
after midnight.

--
Sarah H
http://www.messybeast.com
http://www.shartwell.freeserve.co.uk...-site/aeth.htm
Aethism - a religion for the 21st Century

OK - The cat is out of the bag - this is the technology that will be used in
the Apache/Comanche replacement.

Jack


"Jim E" wrote in message
...

"Sarah Hotdesking" wrote in
message ...
I received this today:-

There are still people in this company who think we weigh aircraft to
find
out how much they weigh, not to calculate stresses. Of course we need to
know how much the thing weighs. How are we ever going to know how many
Thrust Pixies we need to get the thing off the ground if we don't know
the
weight? Or should that be "Lift Demons"? Pixies have largely fallen into
disrepute - something about Bernoulli not being representative in
unbounded
conditions and cause and effect being transposed in the Newtonian model.


I have it on fair authority that current research in the field of inertia
free propulsion has shown great promise through the use of properly
modified
felines.
As I understand it, jelly (flavor not specified) is spread evenly over the
felines back.
When the creature is tossed lightly into the air, the third
law of universal fate dictates that it land jelly side down.
However this does not occur due to the intervention of the feline landing
axiom (feet first).
The above conflicting forces result in a stable hover.
The subject felines have demonstrated the ability to control their own
velocity at will.
The only loose ends delaying the full commercialization of this process is
the matter of persuading the felines to:
a. work in teams.
b. not lick off the jelly.
c. follow a flight plan.
As there seems to be a deficiency in feline herding instincts, any
suggestions would be appreciated by the parties involved.

Jim E

On Fri, 27 Feb 2004 16:44:24 -0000, "Sarah Hotdesking"
wrote:

I received this today:-

There are still people in this company who think we weigh aircraft to find
out how much they weigh, not to calculate stresses. Of course we need to
know how much the thing weighs. How are we ever going to know how many
Thrust Pixies we need to get the thing off the ground if we don't know the
weight? Or should that be "Lift Demons"? Pixies have largely fallen into
disrepute - something about Bernoulli not being representative in unbounded
conditions and cause and effect being transposed in the Newtonian model.

In fact the use of Lift Demons on civil aircraft programmes is generally not
that good an idea. The Demon binding contract tends to specify payment in
blood or souls. This is readily achievable with aircraft of military
function, but frowned upon in civilian circles as they may attempt to
acquire payment outside of the terms of their binding contract. Lift Demons
are not used on Elf bombers. We don't talk about Lift Pixies too often as it
seems to upset the self-loading cargo.

Pixies require payment in cakes, flowers or nice thoughts. These are readily
sourced either from the in-flight catering, or provided cost-free by the
passengers. Clearly this would not work well within an operational military
environment. Air force cooking is not renowned for the "light and fluffy
texture" that Thrust Pixies demand, the availability of flowers might be
problematic in desert operations, and nice thoughts may also be hard to find
during times of active operations.

There is also a scalability issue. While one rampant Lift Demon would have
few problems supporting a fighter aircraft (particularly if there is an
immediate prospect of blood), it'll struggle to achieve level controlled
flight of a 560tonne Airbus A380. Use of more than one Lift Demon on the
same flight vehicle is contra-indicated (they squabble and eat each other).
Communities of Thrust Pixies can be encouraged to work together on the same
aircraft by the provision of advanced technologies such as Lemon fondant
icing, variegated tulips or in-flight romantic comedies.

Ryanair once requested Leprachauns be installed in place of Lift Pixies, but
leprechauns have a mission statement which indicates their desire for
monetary gain, and their willingness to search all over the world for it.
This makes Lift Leprechauns expensive to keep (gold vs lemon fondant icing),
and makes it difficult to establish a regular route network as the Lift
Leprechauns don't like to continuously visit the same locations. By law,
aircraft also have to have a full complement of In-Flight Gremlins, but
these are generally not a problem unless you feed the Wingtip Vortex Faeries
after midnight.

Are Harriers equipped with sirens?
--
Jim Watt http://www.gibnet.com

Jim Watt wrote:

:On Fri, 27 Feb 2004 16:44:24 -0000, "Sarah Hotdesking"
wrote:
:
:I received this today:-
:
:There are still people in this company who think we weigh aircraft to find
:out how much they weigh, not to calculate stresses. Of course we need to
:know how much the thing weighs. How are we ever going to know how many
:Thrust Pixies we need to get the thing off the ground if we don't know the
:weight? Or should that be "Lift Demons"? Pixies have largely fallen into
:disrepute - something about Bernoulli not being representative in unbounded
:conditions and cause and effect being transposed in the Newtonian model.
:
:In fact the use of Lift Demons on civil aircraft programmes is generally not
:that good an idea. The Demon binding contract tends to specify payment in
:blood or souls. This is readily achievable with aircraft of military
:function, but frowned upon in civilian circles as they may attempt to
:acquire payment outside of the terms of their binding contract. Lift Demons
:are not used on Elf bombers. We don't talk about Lift Pixies too often as it
:seems to upset the self-loading cargo.
:
:Pixies require payment in cakes, flowers or nice thoughts. These are readily
:sourced either from the in-flight catering, or provided cost-free by the
:passengers. Clearly this would not work well within an operational military
:environment. Air force cooking is not renowned for the "light and fluffy
:texture" that Thrust Pixies demand, the availability of flowers might be
:problematic in desert operations, and nice thoughts may also be hard to find
:during times of active operations.
:
:There is also a scalability issue. While one rampant Lift Demon would have
:few problems supporting a fighter aircraft (particularly if there is an
:immediate prospect of blood), it'll struggle to achieve level controlled
:flight of a 560tonne Airbus A380. Use of more than one Lift Demon on the
:same flight vehicle is contra-indicated (they squabble and eat each other).
:Communities of Thrust Pixies can be encouraged to work together on the same
:aircraft by the provision of advanced technologies such as Lemon fondant
:icing, variegated tulips or in-flight romantic comedies.
:
:Ryanair once requested Leprachauns be installed in place of Lift Pixies, but
:leprechauns have a mission statement which indicates their desire for
:monetary gain, and their willingness to search all over the world for it.
:This makes Lift Leprechauns expensive to keep (gold vs lemon fondant icing),
:and makes it difficult to establish a regular route network as the Lift
:Leprechauns don't like to continuously visit the same locations. By law,
:aircraft also have to have a full complement of In-Flight Gremlins, but
:these are generally not a problem unless you feed the Wingtip Vortex Faeries
:after midnight.
:
:Are Harriers equipped with sirens?

No. That sound is the diving alarm....