My wife getting scared

I've been a pilot for 12 years now. I've been married (this time) for 10.
Three years ago, the DE who passed me on my private and instrument tickets
died in a stupid accident. My wife had met him a few times at flying club
dinners and around the airport. A few weeks ago, a club member who she'd
also met several times died in his float plane, a plane that I'd flown in
a few weeks before that. He died with his best friend, a former club
member who I knew a bit but whom my wife didn't.

Now that two people she's met have died flying in a relatively short
period of time, she's getting less and less secure about my own flying.
Every time I head out to the airport, she gives me the talk. "Be careful.
Don't die. If you have the slightest doubt, come back." Etc. And so on.

I don't think she'll tell me to stop, because she knows I was a pilot
before we married. But what can I do to reassure her? The pilot
community is pretty small, and losing three people associated with our
little club is pretty scary for her.

At one time, I thought when the kids were finished college I'd finally
have enough money to buy a share in a float plane and we could have some
adventures together. Now I'm not even sure she'd come flying in a club
plane.

--
Paul Tomblin http://blog.xcski.com/
....I'm not one of those who think Bill Gates is the devil. I simply
suspect that if Microsoft ever met up with the devil, it wouldn't need an
interpreter. -- Nick Petreley

Paul Tomblin wrote:
I've been a pilot for 12 years now. I've been married (this time) for 10.
Three years ago, the DE who passed me on my private and instrument tickets
died in a stupid accident. My wife had met him a few times at flying club
dinners and around the airport. A few weeks ago, a club member who she'd
also met several times died in his float plane, a plane that I'd flown in
a few weeks before that. He died with his best friend, a former club
member who I knew a bit but whom my wife didn't.

Now that two people she's met have died flying in a relatively short
period of time, she's getting less and less secure about my own flying.
Every time I head out to the airport, she gives me the talk. "Be careful.
Don't die. If you have the slightest doubt, come back." Etc. And so on.

I don't think she'll tell me to stop, because she knows I was a pilot
before we married. But what can I do to reassure her? The pilot
community is pretty small, and losing three people associated with our
little club is pretty scary for her.

At one time, I thought when the kids were finished college I'd finally
have enough money to buy a share in a float plane and we could have some
adventures together. Now I'm not even sure she'd come flying in a club
plane.


During the fifty odd years I've been involved in professional aviation;
most of that teaching in and flying high performance airplanes I've
buried 32 of my friends and associates. My wife was with me through
forty of those years and knew many of these people personally.
I've dealt with this issue both in my own home and as an adviser to others.
I can tell you this in all sincerity and honesty.
I realize you might not be involved in high risk aviation so what I am
about to say to you might even be easier for you in your personal
situation as a pleasure pilot.
I believe I have looked at this issue from enough directions and have
enough experience with it that you might want to give serious
consideration to my advice.
When it comes to handling something like this with a loved one, you can
of course attempt to convince your wife you will be safe based on the
favorable statistics you can go dig up that say general aviation is a
safe pastime.
But my advice is to use this approach but with a caveat.
Forget using the statistics alone without additional input from you as
that road to convince a loved one is filled with pot holes.


In order to reach your wife, don't down play the dangers involved with
flying, as she is already convinced of a potential danger and has seen
what can happen when things go wrong.

The best way to handle these issues is to start immediately to convince
her that rather than denying any danger exists, you are completely aware
of the potential for danger in flying and are capable of avoiding that
danger by the way you approach the issue of flying.

In other words, what you want to accomplish here is to convince your
wife that YOU PERSONALLY are an aware pilot with a professional attitude
that is highly tuned in to the avoidance of areas of danger when you fly.
What you want to do is steer your wife into thinking of you as a pilot
separated from other pilots. You need to have her consider you
INDIVIDUALLY as competent and professional instead of viewing you as
just another pilot among many. It's the thinking about a large group
where some get hurt or killed that frightens loved ones. Once she looks
at you individually, she will realize that you PERSONALLY are aware of
danger and competent enough to stay away from it.
She will feel better knowing that.

All this having been said, there is nothing cast in stone that will
solve these kinds of issues. Accidents happen and pilots get killed once
in a while. What it boils down to is that YOU are the only one who can
address this issue with a loved one. It takes tact and it takes
understanding, but most of all it means recognizing her fears as
legitimate instead of down playing them with safety statistics.
Bring her into your world as a pilot more than you have and let her know
that above all else, you are aware....and you are a SAFE pilot.
Hope this advice has been of some help.
DH


--
Dudley Henriques

On Sep 30, 10:36 pm, Dudley Henriques wrote:
During the fifty odd years I've been involved in professional aviation;
most of that teaching in and flying high performance airplanes I've
buried 32 of my friends and associates. My wife was with me through
forty of those years and knew many of these people personally.
I've dealt with this issue both in my own home and as an adviser to others.
I can tell you this in all sincerity and honesty.

Hi,

I'm a student pilot, and I am very curious to know what percentage of
that 32 can be attributed to pilot error.

Also, I agree.

When I get my certificate, I plan to use same discipline that I use on
my bike. I (very ocassionally) get up to 150 mph on my VFR-800, and
this freaks people out, especially my sister, who worries and asks me
if it is dangerous, and I tell the truth. But the danger is not on a
straightaway. Danger happens during momentarily lapses of self-
discipline at 30mph. On a recent 440 mile round-trip to family
gathering, on the way home, it was 3:00 A.M, with about 8 miles to go,
my legs were cramping up so bad that none of the "stick-leg-out-while"
tricks would work. I started musing about all the bad things that
could happen, because of simple leg cramps. "What if there is a
mattress in road, not able to rake because legs won't move..what if I
pass out..." Then, in an epiphanous moment, I thought, "Darwinism
might be in action, at this very moment. Pull over." I calmly pulled
my bike over to side of road, turned it off, parked it, and waited, in
total darkness, for 15 minutes until my circulation got right again.
My legs were so cramped, I could barely dismount without falling over.
I have no idea whether I would have wrecked if I had tried to hold out
those last 8 miles. But that's the point. I did not, because I made
sure. I managed my risk.

I told this story to my family and it helped them relax. Maybe you
could tell a similar story to your wife.

-Le Chaud Lapin-

Le Chaud Lapin writes:

I'm a student pilot, and I am very curious to know what percentage of
that 32 can be attributed to pilot error.

Most such accidents are due to pilot error. Many of the rest are due to poor
maintenance.

A safe pilot in a well maintained aircraft isn't at much risk. Unfortunately,
there are lots of stupid pilots around flying poorly maintained aircraft, and
that makes the overall statistics rather grim.

Then, in an epiphanous moment, I thought, "Darwinism
might be in action, at this very moment. Pull over." I calmly pulled
my bike over to side of road, turned it off, parked it, and waited, in
total darkness, for 15 minutes until my circulation got right again.
My legs were so cramped, I could barely dismount without falling over.
I have no idea whether I would have wrecked if I had tried to hold out
those last 8 miles. But that's the point. I did not, because I made
sure. I managed my risk.

Well done.

You don't fly and you wil never have a wife so you don't get to say
anything, fjukkwit.


Bertie

In a previous article, Dudley Henriques said:
In other words, what you want to accomplish here is to convince your
wife that YOU PERSONALLY are an aware pilot with a professional attitude
that is highly tuned in to the avoidance of areas of danger when you fly.

The problem with that approach is that after the DE guy died, that worked
because Rochester aviation's dirty little secret was that he was a known
corner-cutter and risk taker. But when the other two died, I had to admit
that I've flown with one of them a couple of times and I couldn't fault
anything he did. He seemed to me careful and methodical and professional.


--
Paul Tomblin http://blog.xcski.com/
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

Paul Tomblin wrote:
In a previous article, Dudley Henriques said:
In other words, what you want to accomplish here is to convince your
wife that YOU PERSONALLY are an aware pilot with a professional attitude
that is highly tuned in to the avoidance of areas of danger when you fly.

The problem with that approach is that after the DE guy died, that worked
because Rochester aviation's dirty little secret was that he was a known
corner-cutter and risk taker. But when the other two died, I had to admit
that I've flown with one of them a couple of times and I couldn't fault
anything he did. He seemed to me careful and methodical and professional.



Several of the 32 I have buried were Blue Angels and Thunderbirds.
Others were air show display pilots, test pilots, and military pilots.
These people represented the top of the heap and the best of the best.
My wife knew them all, but these people were not me.
How you convince your wife you are safe will be unique to your own
personal situation and how good you are at presenting that situation to
her.
Best of luck to you.
DH

--
Dudley Henriques

Thank you very much Dudley. I appreciate it.

Paul

Paul,

because Rochester aviation's dirty little secret was that he was a known
corner-cutter and risk taker.


As an aside, we as in "the GA community" should stop keeping those
secrets. I for one, have vowed to myself to speak up when I see dangerous
behaviour be "esteemed" peers.

--
Thomas Borchert (EDDH)

Paul Tomblin writes:

The problem with that approach is that after the DE guy died, that worked
because Rochester aviation's dirty little secret was that he was a known
corner-cutter and risk taker. But when the other two died, I had to admit
that I've flown with one of them a couple of times and I couldn't fault
anything he did. He seemed to me careful and methodical and professional.

What was the actual cause of his accident?